Hate Myself For Losing You
by Surgery-Girl
Summary: Meredith is running. Running away from her past. Running away from her memories. And running away from all her pain. But no matter where she goes, pain seems to follow her. MerMark.
1. Seattle Grace Mixer

Seattle Grace Hospital was the number one teaching hospital in the United States. Many of the most prestigious surgeons in the country graced the halls. All of these things attracted many powerful doctors and patients. But Meredith Grey tried for so long to stay away from returning to the place where she was born. Yet, there she was. She had left behind everything that New York had held for her. She left behind her number one ranking in the surgical program. She left behind her lavish house. Most importantly, she left behind her heart.

Pushing the thoughts out of her head, she pushed the car door open and walked up her the driveway of the house she hoped she would never have to return. She never thought she would get on a plane only to return to the place where she was betrayed for the first time.

She hadn't been back to that house in over twenty years. Standing in the middle of the yard, she felt so out of place. Her eyes traveled up to the sky and noticed that thick clouds covered blocked the sun away. Letting out a long sigh, she headed up the porch steps and dug through her purse for the keys. After she finally located them, she unlocked the door and pushed it open.

The house had been in the same order as it always had. The furniture sat covered and in the same spot as the last time she had seen it. Dust cover the surfaces, and a faint musky smell lingered in the air. Nothing but silence echoed through the house as she stepped into the living room.

She could feel her heart break as she looked around. For the first time in years, she was walking into an empty house. A bare house that she was about to start calling home. Yet the word felt so empty when put with it. Tears filled her eyes, but she tried with all her might to keep them from spilling over. Dropping her things onto the ground, she sighed and further in the house. As she stood in the middle of the house looking around at her surroundings, she wanted to forget. She wanted the memories to leave her. Yet, as she stood there, she wanted nothing more to be back in New York.

* * *

Half the guests were well on their way to being drunk by the time she walked in. People stood around trying to impress her parents by telling stories of amazing surgeries. Luckily her parents didn't notice her as she slipped in, and she was able to make it over to the refreshment table. Grabbing a glass of champagne, she tried to stay along the walls and out of sight.

Her stepfather and mother stood among other doctors who were obviously trying to flatter them. Rolling her eyes, she took a sip of her drink.

She was used to people falling over themselves for her parents. After three years of being an intern and resident in New York, she knew that other doctors wanted to be on good terms with them. For that reason, she wanted to stay in New York where her stepfather and mother had no influence on the surgical internship and nobody could say that was the only reason she got into the program was because of him. She wanted to stay and New York where her life was and where she was the number one third year resident on the East Coast. Yet there she was. She was in Seattle about to continue her residency under her stepfather and mother at Seattle Grace.

After finishing off the last of her champagne with one large gulp, she grabbed another glass before making a move towards her parents.

Richard noticed her first. His face instantly brightened and a smile was produced on his lips. Ellis looked in the direction that he was and smiled. The doctors who had been talking stopped mid-sentence.

"Hey." Meredith smiled briefly.

"Hey, Mer." Richard said kissing her temple.

"When did you get here?" Ellis asked giving her daughter a brief hug.

"Just this morning." She answered quietly. She didn't have the energy to be overly cheerful. Her parents knew why and didn't push for anything more.

"You must be Dr. Grey." One of the doctors who were standing with Richard and Ellis when she walked up.

"Yeah. I didn't mean to intrude on your conversation."

"No it's fine. I'm Derek Shepherd, Head of Nuero." He shook her hand before moving out of the way to introduce his fellow doctors.

"Preston Burke, Head of Cardio." Another doctor introduced himself with a smile as he shook her hand.

"I'm Addison Montgomery, Head of Neo-Natal."

"I've read articles about you guys." Meredith said politely, but still with little interest. She had other things she needed to worry about.

"If I remember correctly, you were published just recently yourself." Burke commented.

"Yeah. It wasn't a big deal." She shrugged.

"Meredith is starting here tomorrow." Richard said with a proud smile. "She's a third year Nuero resident."

"Ah, then I'll have the pleasure of working with you." Derek said with a smile.

"Looking forward to it." She said with a forced smile.

Meredith phone started to vibrate in her bag. She pulled it out and glanced at the ID, before putting it back into her purse.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Richard asked.

Meredith shook her head taking a long sip of her champagne. "It's not important. But I think I need another one of these. Excuse me."

"Meredith…" Ellis started as her daughter walked away. When she realized that she wasn't going towards the refreshment table and was making her way towards the door, she sighed and looked up at her husband. He gave her a short nod and kissed her cheek before she followed in the direction Meredith hurried away in.


	2. Slipping Into The Past

Ellis Grey was the best surgeon in the history of the United States in many doctors opinion. She worked hard to earn the title. She got pregnant when she was just a lowly intern and many people including her resident thought that was as far as she would get and her career would be over. But she chose to work harder to keep her career a float than she did for her family. Eventually, that and her affair with a fellow resident pushed her husband at the time to get a divorce. She later got remarried to Richard Webber, her ex-dirty mistress. She was a changed woman the day she said "I do." She built a relationship with her daughter, and it stayed that way from then on.

She caught up with her daughter as she walked hastily across the lobby out into the cold night.

"Meredith." She called hurrying after her. "Mer." She grabbed her arm stopping her in her tracks.

"I can't breathe, Mom." She gasped as tears streamed off her cheeks. Ellis nodded bringing her into her arms.

"I know. It's going to be okay." She tired to comfort her.

"No it's not." She cried.

"Give it time. The wounds are still too fresh."

"I can't be here, Mom." She said pulling back to look at her.

"Alright. I'll drive you home."

Meredith shook her head. "No, it's okay… just go back in and have a good night."

"You can't drive like this, Mer."

"Don't worry. I'll call you later." She kissed her cheek. Defeated, Ellis nodded.

"Don't forget to call or you're father will have a heart attack."

Meredith giggled despite herself. "I will. I love you, Mom."

"I love you too."

"Tell Dad I said bye."

Ellis nodded and watched her stagger away. She saw the pain in her daughter's eyes but didn't know the right words to say to make it go away.

* * *

She got home only fifteen minutes later. As she pushed the door open, she felt so empty. Her heart broke into two every time she opened the door to an empty house. She laid her purse down on the floor and walked further into the living room. The need for alcohol came over her, but she didn't have any in the house. So she trudged up stairs and hoped, even for a moment, to just escape.

She found the room that was once her mother's old room and looked around. There was a king size bed, a desk, nightstands, a chest at the end of the bed, and that was it. It would have to due for a little while until she got settled and figured out what she was going to do about where her life was headed.

Falling back on the bare bed, she stared up at the ceiling not feeling up to moving enough to put new sheets on the bed. She wondered if there were any sheets in the house. The thought pasted quicker than it came, and once again she was alone with the thoughts of her life.

Her phone started to ring again, but she didn't move to pick it up right away. She just continued to stare at the ceiling as if it would change before her eyes. Sighing, she reached over and checked the ID. Quickly hitting the ignore button, she felt tears starting to gather in her eyes. For a few minutes, she tried to keep them at bay until it became too hard to keep them from falling. Tears started to fall at full force as she buried her head into the bare mattress. She could hear the phone ringing again, but ignored it.

It didn't take long for sleep to over take her, but was quickly awoken only an hour later. Touching her face, she could feel the swelling around her eyes before reaching over to get her phone. Glancing at the ID, she realized it was her mother and remembered she forgot to call.

"Hey." She said clearing her thought. "Sorry. I didn't call. I fell asleep."

"Are you at the old house?" Her mother's voice came.

"Yeah."

"It's hardly suitable to live it. There's hardly anything other than old furniture there."

"I'll take care of it tomorrow. I'll make due with until tomorrow."

"Are you sure? You can stay at our house."

"No, it's fine… I just want to sleep."

"Yes, you have a big day tomorrow. You're coming into a new program and getting interns at the same time."

"I can handle it."

"I know you can. Well get some sleep, Mer."

"Goodnight, Mom.'

"Goodnight."

Meredith sighed shutting her phone and hoped that sleep would come before anything else did.

Slowly, she slipped off to sleep and slipped into the past.


	3. Intern Days

She woke up at four-thirty the next morning feeling no better than she did the night before

She woke up at four-thirty the next morning feeling no better than she did the night before not to mention she was feeling nauseous and hadn't gotten much sleep. But she trudged through her morning routine looking for something to distract her before work at five-thirty.

When she got to the hospital, she felt out of place in the new surroundings. Though she hated the fact that people probably thought less of her abilities because of her parents, she was happy to have someone she knew there. Making her way to the locker room, she tried to remember where major things were, so she wouldn't have to ask around so much.

The locker room was like every other hospital locker room she had been in. It had a smell of vomit hung in the air as she pushed her way to her locker catching people's eyes. Since it was the resident locker room, everyone in there knew each other. As she pulled her locker open, she couldn't help but feel lonely but quickly tried to forget about everything.

She quickly changed and put all of her stuff into her locker. She quickly walked out in hopes to see her mother or father before she had to meet interns.

Ellis was working on a chart at the nurses' station with Richard when she found them.

"Hey." Meredith smiled leaning onto the counter.

"Hey." They both said at the same time.

"What are you working on?" She asked.

"One of my patients that are having surgery today." Ellis answered.

"Ready for interns?'

"I hate interns. They make simple tasks harder." She groaned. "Maybe I should have gone to Mercy West. They don't have a teaching program."

"See I told you interns are worthless." Ellis shot at her husband.

"Last year, I had to give a patient a full work up. I had my intern take the reins on it. Normally it would take… an hour or so. It took three hours." Meredith vented.

"Stupid interns." Ellis sighed.

"My thoughts exactly." Meredith nodded.

"Alright, alright stop picking on other doctors." Richard interrupted with a smile.

"Whatever, I better go. See you guys later." Meredith said before walking off.

She waited by herself at the nurses' station reading over a chart over a new admission that was put under her care. She was making notes of tests she would have a random intern order. Glancing at her watch, she sighed and continued to write down things on the chart.

"Dr. Grey?" A voice came. She turned to look to find a group of four people standing eagerly or nervously behind her.

"I'm Dr. Grey." She said shortly shutting the chart. "Trauma protocols, pagers, phone lists." For now, she had to forget everything else and focus on ordering her interns around. "From now on you aren't medical students who can go out and get stoned and the only thing you can give a crap about is when your paper is due. You're doctors. So forget about everything else going on your life and focus on the lives of your patients. I don't care who you are or whether or no you went to an Ivy League school or community college. Right now, you are nobodies at the bottom of the surgical food chain. Get used to busy work because labs, charts, and rectal exams have become you life when your here at this hospital. Your shift starts now and last forty-eight hours." She stopped walking causing them to almost walk into her. "Rules: Don't complain. Take your assignment and go. When nurses page you, answer every page. Personal lives stay out of the hospital. I don't want to here who you're sleeping with and when." She sighed. "Though it will never stay out of the hospital." She mumbled opening a folder. "Any questions?" She looked at her four interns who just stared at her. "Good. Let's go."

She started down the hall with the others in tow. Richard came up beside her and fell into step. "How's it going, Mer… Dr. Grey?"

"It's fine. We're heading to see a new admission."

"Good. Let me know if you need anything."

Meredith stopped at a door. "Will do, Chief."

He smiled before walking away as she opened the door to the patient's room. All the doctors followed and crowded around. A mid-age man sat in the bed looking at the doctors nodding a greeting at each. Meredith stared at her interns waiting for one to start speaking.

"Who's presenting?" She asked impatiently. They all looked at each other. Letting out a sigh, Meredith opened the chart and read the names. "Dr. Sheller?" One of her male interns raised his hand slightly.

He nervously picked up the chart. "John Miller…" He cleared his throat. "John Miller presented early this morning after having two seizures."

"What are the three main causes of seizures?"

"Trauma, Tumors, and Disorders." He answered with a smile.

"Mr. Miller, this is Dr. Sheller. He'll be assisting on your case. We'll be back to check on you in a few minutes." Meredith said.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey." John smiled.

She smiled at him and walked out reopening the chart. "Dr. Summers and… Dr. Salmon go down to the pit see what you can do down there. Dr. Turner, you're on labs. Dr. Sheller, start the work up. I want a CT, MRI, CBC, chem. seven…" She looked at them and walked away.


	4. Dr Bailey

She boarded the elevator and sighed

She boarded the elevator and sighed. The day had taken more out of her than normally. Maybe it was the stress of everything else going on. Maybe it was interns being more annoying than they normally were on their first day. The doors were about to shut when someone stuck their foot out and slipped on.

Meredith smiled despite her current situation. "If it isn't Dr. Bailey."

Dr. Bailey who hadn't been paying any attention to who was on the elevator turned to see who was talking to her. The voice was familiar. "Meredith Grey." A smile broke on her lips. "So I hear they're calling you the Nazi now."

Meredith giggled. "I couldn't replace you, but I did learn how to baby-sit interns from the best."

"I can't say I'm not proud that you earned the name in one day."

"It's so good to see you. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, Meredith. Don't you tell anyone I said that or I'll make your life a living hell."

Meredith laughed. "That's why I love you. You make threats like nothing."

"And I follow through."

"That's why I never make you mad more than once in an hour."

The elevator doors opened and Bailey turned to look at her as she walked off. "See you around, Grey."

"See you later." She smiled as the doors shut.

She had met Dr. Bailey when she started medical school and Bailey was starting her internship. It was before Bailey was "The Nazi," and she was just Bailey. Bailey was only two months into her internship when Meredith was visiting her parents. Meredith had abdominal pain, so being doctors, her parents worried and took her to the hospital. Dr. Bailey got to assist on her appendectomy which was her first real surgery that she assisted on. From that point on, Bailey and Meredith became pretty close and went out to dinner or did something every time she came to town.

--

She sat down at the nurses' station after a long day of being on them. Glancing at the clock, she noticed that there were still three hours before she had to round up her interns and give them their assignments for the night. Her eyes went to the computer as she looked over the MRI results that had come back for John Miller. Being so focused, she didn't noticed her mother's presence until she spoke.

"Normally when someone walks up you greet them." Ellis said causing her to jump.

Meredith looked over and smiled at her. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"I was in surgery. What have you been doing?"

"Trying to keep my interns from killing anyone."

"It's a harder battle than most would think."

Meredith let out a short laughed before returning her eyes to the scan. "How did the surgery go?"

Ellis shrugged. "As good to be suspected. It's going to be a tough recovery… But, that's what I didn't come to check on you to talk about." Meredith looked at her raising her eyebrows. "Is everything okay?"

Meredith stayed quiet for a second. "Honestly… No." She stood up forcing a smile. "But, what can you do?" With that she started to walk away.

"Meredith…" She didn't stop walking.

--

She walked down to the cafeteria in hopes of catching a late lunch silently hoping if either Bailey or one of her parents were there so she wouldn't have to sit alone. As she grabbed a salad, she looked around and didn't notice anyone she readily knew. Letting out a sigh, she headed to an empty table close by. Opening a chart for a patient she had, she decided there was nothing better to do other than to burry herself and work and pray that she would make it through the rest of the day. Slowly her mind started to drift back to the memory of "that" day.

_She could feel the warmth of his body radiating off of him and onto her. Slowly rolling over, she realized he was still asleep. A small smile played her lips as his hand ran down her back in his sleep. She laid their studying his perfect features that seemed peaceful when he slept. She could feel his leg brush up against hers as she moved a little closer to him. His scent filled her nose causing a smile to cross her lips. He always comforted her even if he didn't say anything. Just being beside him, feeling him near, or the smell of his scent could comfort her. _

"Dr. Grey." A voice came. She shook the thoughts from her head trying to pull herself from the daze as she turned to look at who was talking to her.

"Dr… Shepherd right?"

He smiled a charming smile. "Yes." He gestured the chair. She shrugged, and he took the seat. "How are you settling into Grace?"

She shrugged again. "I'm settling." She didn't feel like talking, but she also didn't want to slip back into the memory of New York. He smiled at her as if waiting for her to say something more.

"Good, good. How are your interns?"

"Annoying, but bearable I guess." She stood up. "It was good talking to you, Dr. Shepherd. But I have a patient to tend to." With that she turned and walked away throwing her trash away on the way.


	5. I'll Love No Other

It was nearing the end of day one of the interns' first shift

It was nearing the end of day one of the interns' first shift. Meredith glanced at her watch as she walked into the resident's locker room. There was still thirty-six hours left for them, but she was going home. She walked to her locker and noticed very few doctors were in there. She started to change and prepare herself to go home and could feel at least one pair of eyes on her. At first she ignored it, but after a little bit she could stand it anymore. Glancing over her shoulder, she caught the gaze of a masculine, frat boy-like guy. Stiffening slightly, she pulled her shirt over her head and grabbed her bag.

"What?" She asked quietly after a few seconds as she turned to look at him.

"Nothing." He said. "You new?"

"Yeah." She nodded grabbing a couple things from her locker and tossing them in a bag.

He sighed. "Alex Kerev, plastics resident."

She glanced up and couldn't help by shift slightly at the mention of the specialty. "Meredith Grey, Nuero resident." She said back giving him a slight smile.

"I don't normally do the whole meet and greet thing." He confessed sitting on the bench. "But since Izzie's not around… Ah, where are you from?"

"New York. Have you been here since the beginning of your internship?"

"Yeah." They stayed silent for a few seconds.

"I've got to go find my interns… I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah." He smirked at her. "Enjoy being out of here while you can."

"You too." With that she grabbed her bag and headed out.

She found her interns in the pit which was virtually empty. "Doctors." She called. They all walked over. "Congratulations you got through the twelve hours of your shift. I'm going home, and when I get back I will be pissed as hell if I find out that anything happened. The resident on-call will tell me if you messed up. Dr. Sheller continue to monitor Mr. Miller. Dr. Turner monitor my patient in 4102. Dr. Summers, you've got my guy in 4570. Dr. Salmon… um 4193 is yours. None of them require anything major. Just make sure they stay stable, and take care of whatever needs to be done if they become unstable. I'm available by page if the on-call resident can't do what you need them too. When you're not do that, at least one of you need to be monitoring the pit. Everyone else can try to get to sleep, but be available to be paged. And a tip, take shifts. You won't be any use to me tomorrow if you're too tired to do anything. Good luck." With that she turned and walked away leaving the four young doctors fearful of what the night will hold for them.

--

As she walked to the car, she saw the neon lights across the street that lit up a sign that said "Emerald City Bar." She smiled to herself.

"_Just what I need."_ She thought as she got into the car. _"A bottle of tequila and a shot glass."_

She made her way to the bar. When she walked into the bar, she looked around. It was a simple, homey bar. People played pool or darts, sat and chatted, and some drank their sorrows away. She walked to the bar and smiled at the bartender.

"I always love to see a new face." The bartender smiled.

"I always love to be in a new bar." She smiled.

He chuckled. "Well in that case, I'm Joe."

"Meredith."

"What can I get you, Meredith?"

"You're finest bottle of tequila."

"And?"

"Just tequila is great."

"Straight up tequila?"

"Nothing better."

"You'll be sorry in the morning."

"I'm sure I will." She sighed.

He smiled. "Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks, Joe. I think you're my new best friend."

He chucked as she poured herself a shot and stared at it for a few seconds. Before she could take it, her phone went off. Letting out a sigh, she dug through her purse.

"Hello?" She answered.

"Meredith?" Richard's voice came. "Where are you?

"I'm just getting a drink…"

"Meredith this isn't healthy."

"It's just a drink."

"Are you at Joe's?"

"Yeah, but…"

"No buts Meredith. I'm coming to get you."

"I'm not a child. I can drink if I want to."

"Meredith, you'll say it's one drink, but it never is… with anybody."

"I don't care. I need to drink. Goodbye, Dad." With that she hung up the phone letting out a long sigh.

She picked up the shot and brought it to her lips. But something stopped her, and she withdrew it from her lips. Letting out a sigh, she set it back on the bar and stared at it for another second contemplating if she should take it our not.

"Straight tequila… pretty hardcore." Someone said from behind her. She glanced over her shoulder and silently nodded at him. "This seat taken?"

"I guess not." She answered as she stared at the alcohol in front of her while Alex ordered a beer.

"How long have you been here?" He asked.

"Not long."

"Are you okay?" She just shrugged without removing her eyes from the tequila. "You know you drink it. You don't just stare at it." She just nodded. "You look sad?"

"It's nothing… just… nothing." She sighed.

"I don't do the whole long discussions of feelings or anything like that… but if you need anyone to talk to…"

"Thank you, Alex, but I'm just not ready to talk to anyone. The wounds are too fresh."

"Let me know.'

She finally looked at him and nodded. "Thank you." The door opened and she turned to see Richard walked in. "I guess my babysitter is here." She sighed shaking her head. "No trust."

He smirked. "Parents are supposed to be like that."

"Yeah I guess. See you around, Alex."

"Bye."

She got up put some money on the bar, grabbed her jacket, and headed over to her father. "Don't worry, I didn't have any." She said rolling her eyes.

"Let's go home, Mer."

--

She slipped into bed that night. The day's events seemed to make her overwhelmingly tired. She had been feeling nauseous through out the day but tired to ignore it the best she could. But when she laid there with no distractions she couldn't help but feel sick to her stomach. She pushed the feeling out of her head hoping that it would go away.

Rolling onto her side, she stared out the window. It was raining like it normally did in the Rainy City. And unusually, she didn't mind it at all, but today it killed her. It made her depressing mood even more depressed.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to fight back to tears. Flicking on the light, she slowly pulled the drawer of the nightstand open. She was hesitant at first, and even when she reached for the small ceramic box sitting pushed against the corner, she still had doubts. But she needed the comfort more than anything else. Even if it were just for the night, she needed the comfort that she could no longer find in tequila or in his arms. Slowly pulling the lid off the box, she hesitantly looked down at the two rings the sat alone in the bottom. Tears rolled off her cheeks as she picked them up. The shiny platinum bands and large diamonds sparkled in the dim light of bedside lamp.

She stared at them trying to make a decision for what seemed like forever. Slowly she picked them up and looked at the engraving on the inside.

"_I'll love no other."_

Sobs shook her body as she fell back clutching the rings tightly in her hands. Sleep took over her slowly until she had slipped into a deep sleep despite the tears stains and smeared make-up.


	6. Can't Sign The Contract

She woke up early the next morning

She woke up early the next morning. Even though she didn't have to be at work until six-fifteen, she needed to get there at five. She knew she needed to leave, but she couldn't move. She sat on her bed staring down at the rings sitting in her hand. Taking a deep breath, she couldn't help herself and slipped them onto her finger. She wasn't planning to keep them on, but she couldn't take them off. No matter how hard she tried to fight them tears spilled onto her cheeks.

--

She walked into the hospital and headed to the locker room. Quickly, she changed and dropped off her stuff before heading out. She decided to drop in on her interns and make sure they weren't screwing up.

As she walked into the pit, she noticed Dr. Sheller and Dr. Turner sitting at the nurses' station. Dr. Sheller was reading a medical book, and Dr. Turner was eating some chips. She noticed that Dr. Sheller always seemed to be trying his hardest.

"How was last night, Doctors?" She asked causing them to jump.

"Dr…Dr. Grey." Dr. Turner said trying to hide that he was eating.

"Dr. Turner, it is fine to be eating. You won't be any use if you're burnt out." Meredith pointed out.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey." He stammered.

"Where are Drs. Summers and Salmon?" She asked.

"Sleeping." Dr. Sheller answered.

"Did everything go okay last night?"

"Yes." Both doctors answered.

"Rounds are at six-fifteen." She told them walking away. "Don't be late!"

Deciding to take the stairs, she pushed the door open and hurried up the stairs until she found the fourth floor. Taking a deep breath, she normalized her breathing before walking out. The overpass wasn't far away and led to his office where the big glass windows looked out onto the hospital below. Even though, she had come in early to see him before the shift. She couldn't move. She didn't want to. Because once she walked into that room, she would be signing a piece of paper requiring her to stay in Seattle for at least a year. Thoughts of walking into the empty house day in and day out, thoughts of being empty, thoughts of being away for him for so long filled her mind. With all her might, she tried to push them out of her head but couldn't. Taking a deep breath, she walked midway across the overpass and leaned on the railing. The flag blew from side to side outside the window. The red and blue looked faded behind the thick fog. Trying to focus on something other than what she was about to commit to, she stared at the flag counting how many of the stars she could see.

It wasn't long that she felt someone walk up beside her. Stopping counting at twenty-two, she glanced over her stepfather who was leaning on the railing beside her staring at the same flag that she was. Her gaze fell back onto the flag as they stood in silence.

"I thought you were going to come see me this morning." He said quietly after a few seconds.

"I just need a minute." She mumbled letting her eyes shut.

"What's wrong, Mer?"

"I don't know if I can do this, Dad." She said after a dew seconds.

"Sign the contract." Receiving a nod, he let out a knowing sigh. "I know this is hard on you."

"I love him, Dad. No matter how hard I try to talk myself out of it and into signing the contract… I just can't."

"Maybe you should talk to him."

She quickly shook her head letting her eyes fall to the less than busy people below. "I can't do that… not yet. I… The wounds are just too fresh. I need some time to heal."

"Sometimes… Sometime your brain can try and convince your heart that something is right, but you're heart is too damn stubborn to listen."

She giggled lightly. "That's what us Grey girls are known for."

He smiled. "And I love them for it." He kissed her forehead giving her back a short rub. "You're going to get though this."

"I hope you're right."

"I know I am, Mer… Let's hold off on that contract for awhile."

She smiled. "Thank you, Dad."

"Well, I don't normally do this, but you're a special resident."

She smiled pushing her hair behind her ear. "I love you, Dad."

"I love you too." He hugged her tightly. Pulling back, he looked down at her. "Let's go get some coffee."

"I'd like that."

They walked down to the cafeteria relatively quiet. He didn't push for conversation since she looked to be deep in thought.

"Hi." Richard said politely to the man working the coffee cart.

"Good morning." He smiled back. "What can I get you?"

"Two coffees please." Richard answered.

The man quickly got them two coffees as Richard paid. Richard took his as the coffee guy held out Meredith's. As she reached out, Richard noticed something that shocked him.

"Thank you." Meredith smiled before looking up at Richard quick noticing his expression. "What?"

"You're wearing your rings."

Subconsciously, she rubbed her fingers over them before looking looked down. Nodding slowly, she continued to stare for a few seconds before tearing her eyes away to look at him. "I took them out last night… I just needed comfort. Then I couldn't take them off." Her eyes filled with tears, but she wouldn't allow herself to let them fall.

He smiled lightly at her. "They look good, Mer."

She smiled sadly looking down at them before walking out with him.

--

With in the twenty minutes she had been working, she managed to get thrown up on. Letting out an annoyed sigh, she walked into the locker room. Between all that happened with her stepfather and their conversation and being thrown up on, she was already off to having a crappy day and she hadn't even made it to rounds yet. Since she had gotten there early and started work in the pit nearly a half an hour earlier than she normally would, she walked into the locker room to find it filled with the other residents. When she noticed their gazes on her, she silently groaned and angrily walked to her locker. Throwing the door open, she had to remind herself that she wasn't alone and not to make a scene. She allowed herself to calm down after a few deep breaths before pulling the vomit covered shirt over her head and tossing it to the ground. Not being able to help herself as she pulled on the other top, she glanced around at the other doctors. Most were either hovering over a cup of coffee willing themselves to wake up or having conversations with other doctors. Some even glanced at her from time to time. This time, she didn't allow it to faze her as she pulled off her pants and grabbed out another pair.

"Hey." A voice caused her to jump.

Glancing over, she noticed Alex had come up and stood beside her. "Hey."

"Enjoy being babysat?" He asked smirking at her.

"Yeah it was so much fun." She answered rolling her eyes before shutting the door. As she tied her scrub pants up, she turned towards him. "So, why are you being so nice to me?" She looked at him suspiciously.

"You look lonely." He shrugged before gesturing to head out. "Plus I know what it's like to be internationally shunned." He said once they were outside the room.

"I'm not shunned seeing as none of them have met me."

"True, but it's the same."

"You don't seem like the kind of guy who wants to hang out with the new girl."

He rolled his eyes. "This isn't high school. I'm just making conversation. Can't I be human?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know you."

"Most people would say no."

"Not many people would have the balls to talk to the chief's stepdaughter and Ellis Grey's daughter without sucking up."

"Who cares who your parents are?"

"Mostly everybody." She answered plainly.

"They didn't put you in the program. They didn't get you through college or med school."

"If only everyone thought that way." She stopped and looked at him. "Well thank you for talking for me even if it's because I've been 'shunned.'"

He smirked nodding a little. "Glad I could help… But can I ask you something?"

"I guess it's only fair." She shrugged.

"Since when did you get married?"

She glanced down at her rings absently twisting them around her finger. "It's a long… complicated story, but I've been married for two years."

"To who?"

She swallowed hard. "You asked for a question."

"I asked if I could ask you something… could be multiple things in one something." She looked at him oddly, but he just shrugged.

Taking a deep breath, she glanced from her rings to him. "I really don't want to talk about it."

He nodded. "That's fine."

She smiled sadly. "I've got to go."

"Alright, see you later."

She nodded before turning and walking into the patient's room she had been standing in front of. Leaning against the door, she had to take multiple deep breaths to keep the tears at bay. After a few minutes, she pushed off the door and walked over to the bed that a patient in a coma laid.


	7. Thatcher Grey

The hallway she had chosen to sit in was quiet and abandoned

The hallway she had chosen to sit in was quiet and abandoned. Her fingers nervously played with her rings as she stared at the phone lying beside her leg. Slowly her eyes traveled up the wall and settled on the ceiling. Just as she was about to lay back in hopes that she would be able to settle her mind enough to relax even for just a second, she heard footsteps coming down the corridor. Silently groaning, she flipped open a chart in hopes the person would see she was working and go away. But it didn't discourage them as they walked up and stood in front of her.

"Dr. Grey." A voice came.

Her eyes traveled from the chart to the other doctor whom she had not met. Though, she had seen him in the locker room from time to time. He seemed like a shy young guy who hung around a blonde model type woman, an Asian hard-ass type woman, and Alex.

"Yes? What can I do for you, Dr…?"

"O'Malley, George O'Malley." He shook her hand.

"What can I do for you, Dr. O'Malley?"

"I have a patient. I need a consult. Are you free?"

"Sure." She gave him a short smile. "What room number?"

"4139. Thank you, Dr. Grey."

"No problem, Dr. O'Malley."

"Want some company walking up? I can give you the background."

"Sure."

They started up the stairs back to the first floor as George informed her that the patient had come after a car slammed into the back of his car which then pushed him into another car. The airbag failed to engage and his chest and abdomen slammed against the steering wheel before being sandwiched for ten minutes between the steering wheel and the back of the back of the seat. At some point or another his head hit on the dashboard and the windshield broke and pieces of glass buried themselves in his head. After an MRI of his chest and abdomen, they had found a small bleed in his lungs. But before they could operate, they needed a Nuero consult.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey. I hope you weren't busy."

She smiled. "I wasn't... so don't worry about it. Is he stable?"

"He's in and out of consciousness, but there's his heart rate is relatively stable."

"How bad is the tear in his lung?"

"I don't know. Moderate bleeding from what I could tell. I can't be sure, but about one or two centimeters."

"Alright, I'll just need a CT and MRI and quick examination." She explained as she pushed the door open to the room that the patient was waiting in. Smiling at the patient laying in the bed, she picked up the chart. "Good morning, Mr…"

Her throat swelled up and she struggled to swallow back the lump forming in the back of the throat. Her eyes read the name a million times before they settled back on the patient. Her stomach was doing flips and she struggled to keep herself from running to the closest bathroom.

"Um, Dr. O'Malley." She whispered feeling like she was choking on the lump that wouldn't go away. "May I speak to you?"

He looked at her oddly, but nodded as she pulled him into the corner of the room. "Is something wrong?"

"You need to get another neurosurgeon on this."

"Why? What's up?"

"Nothing… I just… I have to go. I'll page Dr. Harrison for you."

"Yeah, alright." He nodded. Since he didn't know her, he did push for any conversation and would later think about casually bringing it up to Ellis or Richard.

"I'm sorry, Mr…sir." She choked out looking at the patient. "I'm going to get my fellow neurosurgeon, Dr. Harrison. You'll be in great hands."

Quickly turning, she hurried away in hopes for once, she could disappear.

--

She saw her mother talking to a fellow doctor not far from the main surgical nurses' station. So far, she had managed to keep her emotions at bay by ignoring all her thoughts and numbly walking through the hospital in search of her mother.

"Mom?" She said quietly walking up beside her. Ellis looked over and smiled at her daughter. It quickly faded when it noticed her distress.

"Excuse me." She said to the other doctor before leading Meredith to the on-call room. "What's wrong, Mer?" Her voice was full of genuine concern.

Falling back in the bed, she cradled her head in her hands. Ellis waited patiently for her to speak, but quickly sat beside her when she noticed the tears.

"Why can't everything be right for once in my life?" She cried.

"What's wrong?"

She knew she wouldn't need to fill her in on the last few weeks of her life and the pain that accompanied her through her daily life since 'that' night.

"Thatcher is here, Mom… He's here."


	8. The Story Starts To Unravel

All they could do was sit in silence

All they could do was sit in silence. Both women lost in thoughts, shocked, and unsure what to do. Ellis looked over taking her hand giving it a tight squeeze.

"Maybe you should go home, Mer. Take a few days off or something." She offered after a few seconds.

Shaking her head, she let out a sigh. "I can't do that. I need to stay busy."

"Meredith, this isn't healthy."

She quickly stood up and looked down at her mother whose eyes were full of worry. "Maybe not, but the alternative will kill me for sure."

"Meredith…"

"No, Mom, not here, not now. I just… I can't think. I can't breathe. I can't… function if I let myself think about him. I feel like some one keeps yelling for them to kick me when I'm already lying wounded on the floor. And the sickest part of it all… I can't hate him. I can't get him out of my head. I can't forget our first date or our wedding. I can't not love him. And I'm trying really hard to, but he's always there. He's always stuck in my mind."

Ellis stood up and stared at her crying daughter. "Then maybe that tells you something, Mer."

"I just want to hate him."

Ellis offered a weak smile as she brushed a few strands of hair out of her face. "Sometimes the thing that seems most logical isn't the right thing, Mer. I should know. I wound up falling in love with who seemed like the completely wrong man when I first fell for him."

Sobs shook Meredith body as she tried to keep the room from spinning out of control. Her mind whirled with different thoughts. And yet she stood frozen in the middle of her life just hoping that one day the pain would end. A wave of nausea hit sending her to the tall trashcan in the corner of the room. Ellis rubbed her back until her stomach was empty, and she fell back against the wall with her eyes shut. After a few seconds, she opened her eyes to look at her mother.

"But sometimes the thing that feels right hurts you more than just taking the easy road." Meredith whispered.

"That's half the battle, Mer. Making your brain really believe that the easy road isn't the best thing for you is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do."

Meredith stared at her for a few seconds wondering how the woman who would leave her seven year old daughter alone all day became such a wise, strong, caring woman.

"Thank you, Mom."

"Go home, Mer."

Meredith sighed. "Home isn't much of a home."

Ellis didn't say anything as she helped her off the floor to her feet. "Are you okay?" She asked after a few seconds.

Slowly nodding, she walked out.

--

After telling her interns what to do for the rest of the day, she walked out of the hospital and headed back to the house that hadn't earned the title home. When she walked into the house, she felt a void of emotions and pushed anything emotions that tried to surface into the back of her head. But by the time she fell back into the couch, she couldn't hold back at the memories anymore.

_She walked into the hospital nearly three hours after her husband left their house to for an early surgery. It was just like any other day in New York. Busy streets meant a busy pit which meant busy doctors. Scanning the pit for any interesting cases that she could try to steal, she made her way to the locker room. _

"_Hey." She smiled at Lauren Stewart who had been pretty close to her since they started the years of hell that they endured or will be enduring called their internship. _

"_Hey, Mer." She said back without returning the smile. _

"_What's wrong? Did Jake do something to you? I mean for god sakes does that guy know where to stop… it is border line stalking now a days."_

"_Mer, I have to tell you something."_

_Meredith looked at her a little more cautiously. She knew that line… everyone knew that line. It was always followed by bad news. "What's up?"_

"_Mer…" She took a deep breath letting it out as a sigh. _

"_Just tell me, Lauren. Obviously if I can handle half the crap thrown my way, I can handle whatever it is you've got to tell me."_

_She sighed looking at her friend with sympathetic eyes. "Mer, I heard some of the night nurses talking…"_

"_They always talk." She rolled her eyes thinking that was the big secret._

"_Mer, it's been going around that Mark is cheating on you." She blurted out as the words hit Meredith like a tone of bricks._

_Quickly recovering, she tried to laugh it off. "It's the night nurses. What do you expect? Besides women have been trying this since I met him… He would never cheat on me." She said confidently pushing the door to her locker shut. "But thanks for your concern."_

Her eyes brushed over with tears and she buried her head into one of the throw pillows that had been on the couch.


	9. Illness Strikes

She had struggled the whole day to keep her emotions and memories from interfering with her life

She had struggled the whole day to keep her emotions and memories from interfering with her life. After deciding to work on making the house more inhabitable, she found it easier to keep her mind from wondering by keeping it on meaningless tasks and such stuff.

The next day, she woke up nauseous and fighting the urge to vomit ever other minute, so she stayed in bed spending most of her time trying to get comfortable. Already have given into the urge of vomiting twice, she didn't want to do it again. Her eyes stayed glued on a painting on the far wall away from the bed she had been sleeping in. She hadn't remembered the painting from when she was a child. Though, she was only five or six at the time, she remembered a lot from when she lived in that house when she was a child. She found it odd that she could remember that paining hanging in her mother's room.

Rolling on her side, she tried to adjust herself from caving into the sensation. Her eyes were now on the window and the sun pouring through the crack of the nearly opaque curtains. They swayed from side to side from the air blowing from the air vent right below it causing the light to grow then shrink then grow again. Eventually the monotony of the movements caused her to loose interest quite quickly allowing her mind to wonder back to 'that' day.

_Giving her patient a reassuring nod about a procedure she would be performing, she turned and walked briskly out of the room to the nurses' station where Mark stood. _

"_Hey." She smiled. _

"_Hey, Babe." He smirked back kissing her cheek. _

"_Just get out of surgery?"_

"_Yep."_

"_How'd it go?"_

"_My amazing hands were… amazing."_

_She giggled thinking of the fond memories of those hands before quickly shaking the thoughts from her head. "Up for a cup of coffee, Dr. Sloan?"_

"_You're actually going to pay for your own up of coffee, Sloan? I don't think you've done that since we got married."_

_She rolled her eyes. "You signed away your right not to spend money on me the day you said 'I do.'"_

"_It was worth it." He kissed her temple and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. _

"_I better be worth more than a two dollar cup of coffee."_

"_Of course you are, Sloan… You're at least worth a three dollar cup of coffee." A smirk quickly spread across her lips as she got a fake offended looked and playfully hit his chest. "I'm just kidding. You're worth everything I own." _

_She smiled at him kissing him lightly on the lips. "Right back at you."_

The loud shrill of her phone ringing pulled her from the memory. Groaning she reached up and looked at the ID. Her stepfather's number flashed across the screen.

"Hello?"

"What's wrong? You sound sick."

"Whoa, Dad, I'm not eight. Don't get all protective over me." She quickly said trying to lighten the mood. "I just have a little bug. I'm fine."

"Your mother said you were sick yesterday too."

"Like I said, it's just a bug. It's going around this time of year and I work at a hospital. I must have picked it up there."

"I'm worried about you, Mer."

She rolled her eyes. _"Here we go."_ She thought rubbing her hand over her face. "There's nothing to worry about. I'm trying to cope."

"How, Mer?" He had always been protective of her, ever since he became her stepfather.

Rolling her eyes again, she let out a long sigh. "By not talking about it. It's too early to talk about it, Dad. I just can't… not yet."

"Alright." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Mer. I hate seeing you like this."

"I know."

"If you're sick, then stay home."

"I'll be fine, Dad."

"Take the day off. I'll cover your interns and you can return tomorrow."

"For not wanting to look like you play favorites, you certainly look like you are."

"You're my daughter first and my employee second." He reminded.

Sighing, she knew she was defeated. "Alright, you win. I'll take off today. But that's it. Tomorrow, I'm back in work and be like every other resident: overwork, cranky, and tired."

"I look forward to it."

"Talk to you later, Dad."

"Love you, Mer."

"Love you too." She hung up the phone and rolled onto her back. They sudden move sent her running to the bathroom. After successfully draining all that she had consumed in the last two days from her stomach, she fell onto the floor leaning against the tub cursing herself for wanting to be a doctor where sickness thrived.


	10. Just A Bug Or Something?

She spent most of the day in bed reading magazines or trying to convince her parents she was fine

She spent most of the day in bed reading magazines or trying to convince her parents she was fine. Surprisingly, she fell asleep early and woke up right on time to go to work only to find she wasn't feeling any better. Brushing it off, she quickly decided that no matter what she was going to work. She wasn't going to let her parents find out either.

When she got to the hospital, she quickly changed and set out to find her interns. She found them lazily hanging around the empty pit.

"How are my patients?" She asked walking toward the area her interns were crowding. They all quickly jumped to their feet and mumbled off some sort of response. "Alright, lets go. We have rounds." They all quickly followed after her as she led them to one of her patient's room. A wave of nausea hit. "Ugh, go in there and… um, get ready to present." She mumbled before walking over to the nursing station. Leaning forward on it, she laid her head down on her crossed arms.

"What's wrong with you?" A voice came. She glanced over at Alex.

"Nothing… Just a bug or something."

"Maybe you shouldn't be here."

"You sound like my parents." She swallowed hard standing up straighter.

"He's right, Meredith." Her mother's voice came.

Rolling her eyes, she glared at Alex. "I am fine." She looked between her mother and stepfather and Alex.

"Just get checked out, Meredith." Richard said in a calm voice.

"I need to meet some people who aren't doctors. Who think an upset stomach is a bug not appendicitis or who think a headache is just a headache not a possible concussion." She rolled her eyes as she grabbed a chart, but Richard stopped her.

"As your boss, I'm telling you that you aren't working if your sick. As your father, I'm telling you that you need to get checked out."

She rolled her eyes glaring at them. "Fine! Let me finish rounds and you can poke and prod me with needles for all I care." With that she stormed away.

--

"Happy?" She asked as she held some gauze over the small needle hole in her skin.

"Not until I see what they say." Richard said.

Rolling her eyes she stood up. "I'm going back to work."

"I'll get these to the lab and put a rush on it."

"There are probably patients who lives depend on their results. I on the other hand am fine."

"You know I can't take you seriously when you say 'fine."

"What am I supposed to be, Dad? My life is falling apart and I can't get a grasp on it." She nearly shouted.

Richard sighed giving her sympathetic eyes. "I'm sorry, Mer." He moved to hug her, but she jerked away.

"My real father is in the hospital… who, by the way, I haven't seen in years. I'm sick. Mark is in New York, and I can't hate him. So, no, Dad, I may not be fine, but it's a whole lot easier to sat than admitting that my life has turned to hell." She almost yelled before storming out of the room.

He sighed as he watched the door latch shut. His stepdaughter practically became his daughter before he and Ellis were ever married. When Meredith was born, Ellis's career wasn't anything superior to other intern's. Richard instantly became involved in Meredith's life. Her mother was busy with her career, and Thatcher tried not to be busy with his own. But eventually an "opportunity of a lifetime" came fell Thatcher Grey's lap, and he put everything else on hold to pursue it. For the second year of Meredith's life, Thatcher was in and out of the country going between his home in Seattle and a small tribe in Africa leaving Meredith alone without her father's and mother's attention. Over the course of that year, Richard got closer and closer to the young girl. After Ellis and Thatcher's divorce and Richard and Ellis got married, Richard assumed the fatherly role in her life completely. He was the one who said "you aren't leaving the house like that" when she was a teenager. He was the one who danced with her during the father-daughter dance at her wedding. Just because technically he was her stepfather, he never treated her as anything less than his own blood.

Now, he hated seeing her in constant pain. Her eyes were always full of the unwavering sadness that he never wanted to see.

--

_She sat in the gallery watching as her husband skillfully preformed a surgery on a patient who had crawled out of a burning car only to face at least four surgeries and a lifetime of constant burn treatments. She watched as he sewed up the layer of skin he was repairing. He glanced up and smiled a light smile at her. She returned it before looking down at the charts lying across her lap. After a few minutes, she glanced up again. Noticing he was done, she decided to meet him in the scrub room. She was already off and had been for an hour, but she had decided to wait around for him. Gathering her charts, she headed out. _

_She got downstairs ten minutes later after being distracted by a conversation with a fellow neurosurgeon who she had been working on a case with for over a week. As she played on her phone, she walked down the hall until she reached the scrub room door. Just when she was about to open the door, something through the window caught her eye knocking the wind out of her._

"Meredith?" A voice came. She jumped up and banged her head on the bottom of the top bunk. Instantly she fell back against the pillow putting her hand on her forehead and groaning in pain. She felt the bed dip down on one side and a hand touch hers. Opening one eyes, she looked at her mother. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She sat up beside her careful not to hit her head again.

"You know you're off now, right?" Ellis asked. She nodded but stayed silent. "You seemed to be having a nightmare."

"I was thinking about that day." She said after a few seconds.

"I'm worried about you, Mer."

"There's nothing to worry about Mom."

"Meredith, I know that it's hard and it's just easier to bury yourself into work than face your problems. But, it doesn't solve anything. It creates problems. I know what I'm talking about."

Meredith stood up and looked down at her mother. "I'll see you tomorrow." Leaning down, she kissed her cheek. "Love you, Mom."

"Yeah, I love you too." She sighed watching her daughter walk out.

--

She stared at the TV as she shoveled some cereal into her mouth. She had gotten home only twenty minutes before and the words her mother had said echoed in her head. It was so much easier to bury herself in work than think about her problems. The doorbell rang pulling her from her thoughts. Letting out a sigh, she muted the TV, set down her bowl, and walked to the door.

"Mom? Dad? What are you doing here?" She asked with confusion evident in her voice since they were supposed to be working late. Moving out of the way, she allowed them to come in. Then, she noticed her father was carrying a manila envelope. "What's going on?" Both of her parents shifted their feet and avoided eye contact. "Are either of you guys going to say anything cause I'm not in the mood for a guessing game." She said dryly before brushing past them on her way back to the couch.

Richard cleared his throat. "Mer, we got back your results back."

She looked at him hearing a bit of worry in his voice. "Oh… do I have the flu or something? Fine, whatever, I'll take a few days off."

"No, Mer, you don't have the flu." He answered slowly playing with the envelope in his hands.

Ellis sat down beside her. "Mer, you're pregnant." She said softly.

The words hit her at a thousand miles per hour. She couldn't breathe. Tears flooded her eyes. But, she couldn't believe it. "What?" She asked in a shaky voice. "No, I can't be pr… pregnant." A tear made its way down her soft cheek.

"I'm sorry, Meredith." Ellis whispered.

Meredith just stared at them for what seemed like forever. A couple tears made their way down her cheek every few moments. Richard stood there waiting for her to move. Ellis held her lightly shaking hand.

She abruptly stood up. Their eyes followed her. "This can't be right. I just had my period a… oh my god, I haven't had my period. I can't be pregnant." Sobs started to shake her body as the room started to spin out of control. Her legs went weak and caved in under her. Richard caught her on the way down. All she could do was sob.

--

_It was like her world stopped for just a second. Tears gathered in her eyes as she watched as the girl stepped away from her husband. She pushed the door open and stared at her husband through heartbroken eyes. He looked over the girl's shoulder. _

"_Meredith…" He breathed out. _

"_How could you do this to me?" She cried just above a whisper. _

_The girl turned around. Meredith couldn't believe her eyes. Lauren stood in front of her. Lauren the one who told her that she heard from the night nurses Mark was cheating on her. _

"_I guess you didn't just hear it from the night nurses." She said in disbelief before turning and walking out. _

_Mark wasn't far behind her. "Meredith!"_

_She turned to face him. "Save it, Mark." Her voice was low and stern as tears rolled off her cheeks. _

"_Meredith! Please, listen to me." He yelled after her, but she didn't stop. _

She jerked awake from the memory when her mother touched her holding out a glass of water. Meredith took it and set it in front of her without sipping from it. She had been sitting at the kitchen table staring out the window for two hours or more. Ellis took the seat across from her. Meredith turned her attention back outside the window. She wanted to cry more. She felt like she needed to, but she just stared.

"Meredith?" Ellis said quietly.

"Not now, Mom." Meredith replied in the same manner. "I just want to be alone."

Ellis nodded and looked out the window. They sat in silence for nearly ten minutes before Meredith spoke again.

"We thought we couldn't get pregnant after the accident. The OB/GYN said that there was only a fifteen percent chance. He said that if I couldn't get pregnant, then I never would be able to. But if I could then everything would be just fine… And I believed him." She looked at her mother. "Here I am. Pregnant. Everything isn't fine."

Ellis took her hand. "It will though."

Meredith let out a disbelieving, sarcastic laugh. "Right." She took a sip of the water. Slowly, she lifted herself out of the chair. "Goodnight, Mom."

"Goodnight." She responded quietly.

Richard looked up as Meredith walked by. "Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, Mer."


	11. Dr Addison Montgomery

A week later…

_Four days later…_

Reality hadn't yet settled in. She just made her way through the days on autopilot. She went to work and emotionlessly did what needed to be done. She avoided unnecessary conversations with anybody. She went home, ate, and slept. She lived each day trying to find something to distract herself, but nothing worked. And she always ended up crying herself to sleep.

Thatcher was still in the hospital and spent most of his time in and out of surgery and was unconscious most of the time. She avoided his room at all costs. That's all she was doing. Avoiding everyone and anything that could remind her or question her.

"What are you going to do?" Her stepfather's voice had been echoing through her head for ten minutes. And she had yet been able to produce an answer. The same question had haunted her since she found out about the baby.

Finally, she pulled her eyes from the carpet to look at her parents eyes. She brushed a couple of pieces of hair out of her own eyes.

"I don't know what I'm going to do." Her eyes held so much pain and confusion. She looked down at her hands absently twisting her ring around her fingers. "I can't kill our baby. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

Ellis gave her hand a tight squeeze.

"We'll be there the whole way." Richard assured her.

She just nodded unsure if she was making the right decision. She didn't know if she could make it. She doubted she could be a mother. But she knew she wouldn't be able to throw it away.

--

Getting on the elevator, she pulled out her phone and looked at it for the first time that day. The screen flashed two voicemails. Thrusting it into her pocket, her eyes moved back to the numbers as they ticked up to the fifth floor. Taking a deep breath, she stopped in front of an office.

_Dr. Addison Montgomery M.D. Ph.D_

_Head of Neo-Natal Surgery _

She read the plaque on the door quite a few times as she prepared herself to knock on the door. With this knock, she'd be sealing her fate, and there would be no turning back. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she knocked on the door and waited for a response. Shifting from foot to foot, she heard a loud "Come in." She didn't move right away and started to reconsider.

"_Maybe someone outside work would be better. No, Addison is the best in the field. She is the best neo-natal surgeon, OB/GYN, and other things. The baby deserves the best." _She thought to herself.

"Come in." The voice came louder this time. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open.

Addison sat behind her desk wearing her usual pencil skirt, expensive blouse, and high-heels. Her red hair fell to her shoulders, and she was wearing reading glasses that probably cost as much as a complete outfit.

"Dr. Grey." Addison said with surprise in her voice crossing her legs under the desk as she gave the younger doctor a soft smile. In the time that Meredith had been working at Seattle Grace, Addison hadn't seen her once since the mixer nor did she expect to see her anytime soon.

"Good morning, Dr. Montgomery. I'm sorry to bother you." She mumbled still trying to get her thoughts straight.

"No problem." She pushed the glasses on top of her head. "What can I do for you?"

"I… I need a consult."

"I can do that… What room?"

She let out a deep breath. "It's for me, Dr. Montgomery."

"Oh…" She leaned back in her chair. "Do you know how far along you are?"

"No…" She shifted uncomfortable feeling like a fool. "I have a lot going on… and I haven't been paying attention. I just found out last week. And even if I had, I wouldn't expect pregnancy since nobody thought I could get pregnant." She rambled before looking up and blushed.

"Please, sit." She gestured the seat. "Why wouldn't you be able to get pregnant?"

"About a year and a half ago, I was in a car accident. The doctors said I had only a fifteen percent chance of ever being able to get pregnant. We tried to get pregnant, but I never could." Tears lined her eyes. "Eventually, we started to loose hope. And now I'm pregnant." A few tears rolled off her cheek.

"We?" Addison asked looking at her cautiously. She hadn't heard or seen Meredith with any man. It was likely he wasn't a doctor and wouldn't have any reason to be at a hospital, but she would expect that he would show up at the hospital to support her through this.

"Uh…" She swallowed hard as she looked up at the other doctor. Tears glistened in her eyes as she held up her hand. "I'm married… It's complicated though."

Addison nodded not wanting to push her. "Alright… Let's get an ultrasound, if that's okay." Wiping her eyes, she nodded and stood up. "Are you alright? I mean do you want me to get your parents?"

"Thank you, Dr. Montgomery, but I think this is something I have to do alone."

"Okay." She gave her a supportive smile before leading her away.

They found an empty exam room not far away. Addison instructed her to get on the table while she got the machine ready. Silently and absently, Meredith followed her direction.

"How are you settling in here?" Addison asked as she got the ultrasound ready.

"Fine, I guess." She shrugged.

"Good… This will be cold." Meredith gave a faint nod. As Addison smeared a little gel on her stomach, a chill ran down her body. "Sorry."

"It's fine." She mumbled as her eyes fixed itself on the blank screen. Addison took the paddle and pressed it on her abdomen. She watched as the picture came on the screen and Addison moved it around looking for the baby.

"There is it." Addison smiled at her, but Meredith didn't remove her eyes off the screen long enough to notice. Her eyes filled with tears as she stared baby. "You look to be about… eleven weeks along."

She reached up and wiped the single tear that she had allowed to spill over. "Thank you, Dr. Montgomery."

Addison gave her a light smile before printing the picture and handing her a rag to wipe the gel off her stomach.

"If you want to, you can come back in five weeks a four month check up."

"Thank you." She sat up pulling down her chart. Addison held out the picture which she took. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah." She said as she watched the other doctor walk out.

--

She walked into the locker room absentmindedly hardly noticing Alex and George changing in front of their lockers. Making her way to her locker, she tried to push the thoughts of the baby and of Mark out of her head long enough to make a coherent thought about work.

"Hey." Alex's voice came interrupting her silent pep talk.

"Hey." She gave a small smile that began to waver quickly.

"I haven't seen you around much."

"Been busy with patients." She shrugged.

"Want to meet up at Joe's? Bambi here is coming." Alex gestured George. Meredith gave George a sideways glance to see him blushing.

"My name isn't Bambi." He quickly snapped at Alex.

"Ah, I don't think I can." She sighed.

"Are you alright, Meredith?" George asked cautiously. He had only spoken to Meredith once before, and that was about a patient. A patient that when Meredith saw she freaked out causing some questions to arise that still lingered in George's head days later.

Meredith rubbed her hand over her face before nodding slowly. "I'm fine. I've got to go."

Alex grabbed her arm before she could walk away. She turned to look at him. He looked straight into her eyes and could see the hurt and tears that lined them. Giving her a small nod, he released her arm.

She gave both of them a short glace before walking away. She was grateful for their concern, but she didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want the people who were not in her life to know about what happened only weeks before.

--

Ellis and Richard sat awkwardly across for their daughter as she played with her food. It was as if she was a teenage again and was avoiding tell them something. Both Ellis and Richard looked at each other every now and then until one of them could produce a silent answer of what to do or say to her.

"You guys don't have to say anything." She said plainly looking at her food still. "I don't feel like talking anyway."

"What did Addison say, Mer?" Richard finally asked.

"She said that I'm about eleven weeks along. And I'm going back to see her in five weeks."

Both parents sat speechless for a second. Her voice had seemed so calm yet so hurt.

"What do you need us to do?" Ellis asked.

"I don't know, Mom. I'll let you know if I can figure out what I need to do."

"What do you mean?" Richard asked.

"Part of me wants to never tell him about any of this and move on with my life. But a bigger part of me wants to be in his arms. Every time I think of the future, I see him. I see him, our baby, and the whole white picket fence. But it hurts so much." She confessed.

_**--**_

_**I know that the chapters are long and I'm up to 11 and there's no Mark yet. But I'm really trying to build up the baby and Thatcher situations before bringing him in. Bare with me… Next chapter or two brings some long awaited action. **_


	12. My Father? Definately Not!

Ellis and Richard sat awkwardly across for their daughter as she played with her food

_The next morning…_

She walked into the hospital as she always did… on autopilot. After changing, she went off to find her interns at the nurses' station.

"Alright, listen up, people." She said as all her interns looked up at her. "I'm not in the mood for any screw ups, so make sure they don't happen. Sheller you're in the pit with Summers. Salmon, labs. And Turner, code team." They all stood there as if waiting for her to say something. "Go!" With that they all ran off in different directions. Letting out a loud sigh, she rubbed her hand over her face.

"Excuse me." A voice came from behind her.

She turned to see who was talking to her. An older woman with dirty blonde hair and brown eyes stood behind her. "Ah, yes, can I help you with something?"

"I'm looking for someone."

"A patient?"

"No, a doctor… My husband's daughter."

"I'm new here, but I can try to help." She gave to woman a polite smile. "What's the name?"

"Meredith Grey."

Meredith's face fell. "Ah, I… I can't help you with that. Sorry." She turned to walk away.

"Oh, well, thank you, Dr…"

"Your welcome." Meredith called back as she walked away.

--

She had managed to avoid Thatcher's room and his new wife all day. Settling back on a gurney in the basement of the hospital, she allowed herself to relax some. She sat with her eyes shut until she heard footsteps down the corridor. She quickly opened a chart and pretended to be busy with work.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey." Derek said as he made his way towards her.

She rolled his eyes. "Good morning."

"I haven't seen much of you lately. I would have thought since we work on the same service, I'd see you more."

She shrugged. "I've been busy."

"It seems you're settling in pretty well."

"I guess." She continued to stare at her patient's chart hoping he would eventually go away. No such luck. Instead, he took as seat beside her.

"It's a good hospital if you stay out of the gossip mill which it seems you've managed to do. My first time here it was teeming about gossip about me." She just nodded. "Would you like to get some coffee with me?" He asked after a few seconds.

"Sorry, Dr. Shepherd, but I need to deliver these labs." She hopped down from the gurney.

"Maybe some other time then."

"Maybe." She answered before walking off. Her pager went off half way down the hall.

--

"I was paged?" She asked.

"Meredith?" Susan said confused to see the doctor from earlier standing before her.

"She wanted to talk to you." The nurse said to Meredith.

"I, ah…" Meredith stammered. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Grey. But I have to go." She turned to walk away but the other woman grabbed her arm.

"Meredith, your father wants to talk to you… please."

"I'm sorry." She said in a low voice before pulling her arm away.

"Meredith, please."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Grey." With that she hurried away.

She made her way up the stairs figuring they were quicker than the elevator and headed down the hall towards her stepfather's office. When she looked through the window, she noticed her mother and Richard talking.

"He wants to talk to me." She cried as she burst through the door.

Both jumped at their daughter's intrusion and looked at her equally confused.

"Who?" Richard asked.

"Thatcher."

"Oh god." Ellis sighed rubbing the bridge of her nose.

They slowly calmed her until she was okay enough for Ellis to leave her with Richard.

"I'll be right back." Ellis said quietly before slipping out of the room. Anger washed over her as she made her way down the hall. By the time she got to Thatcher's room she wasn't any calmer. Pushing the door open, she hardly noticed the three woman that were sitting around the room. Thatcher lied in the bed but was awake.

"Stay away from my daughter." She growled storming up to the bed.

"Ellis?" Thatcher coughed. "Last time I checked, she was our daughter."

"Stay away from her Thatcher. If you so much as breath her name…"

"I'm not going to hurt her, Ellis."

"Oh, like you didn't hurt her when she was five?"

"That was all you." He said bitterly.

"I was messed up back then. But at least, I came around. You on the other hand stayed away from her as if she were the plague. And sending your wife to track her down doesn't help the situation."

"I just want to talk to her."

"If she wants to talk to you, then that's her choice. She's going through enough hell to deal with you crap."

"She's my daughter."

"You don't have any clue about who she is. And she doesn't need you to poke your head into her life."

"Like you know her. The last time I saw you, you were more concerned about your precious affair and career then to care about either of us."

"I'm still here. I'm still in her life. You ran. You don't deserve the title as her father. Stay away from her, Thatcher." She growled before storming out.

--

"Meredith?" A voice came from behind her as she reorganized some charts at the nurses' station. Glancing over her shoulder, she noticed Susan and two other women coming her way. Letting out an annoyed sigh, she shifted her gaze back to the chart hoping they would leave. Susan touched her elbow. "Meredith."

"I'm trying to do some work. So unless you need me professionally, I really need to do my work."

"Meredith, please. Your mother talked to Thatch, but he wants to talk to you. He doesn't know we're here, but please…"

"There is nothing I can do for him. So, if you'll excuse me." She turned back towards the charts she was working on.

"Come on, girls. Let's go." Susan sighed defeated.

"You know, your father is…" One of the other woman said breaking free from her mother's grasp.

"Lexi…" Susan tried to interrupt her.

"No, Mom, she needs to hear this…" Lexi snapped.

"I don't know who you think I am. But I'm not your father's daughter." She snapped before slamming the charts shut and walking briskly away.

--

She walked into the empty house which didn't seem to help her situation. After grabbing a left-over box from the refrigerator, she settled down into the couch and turned on the TV. Quickly after finishing the spaghetti, she lost interest in TV and found herself staring blankly at the screen. Her hand absently rubbed her stomach.

"It's going to be okay, Baby." She kept mumbled subconsciously. Her hand came to an abrupt stop when she realized what she was doing. Staring down at her stomach, reality finally set it. She was pregnant. She was pregnant and Mark was in New York.


	13. How Could You?

She hadn't gotten a good night's rest the night before

She hadn't gotten a good night's rest the night before. Her mind was flooded with thoughts of everything going on in her life. Overnight, it was like everything got real. By the time she woke up from her restless sleep, morning sickness hit and it definitely didn't help the situation. After not only throwing up once but twice, she headed out the door for work. By the time she walked through the door of Seattle Grace, she was ready to rip her own hair out then curl up in a ball and cry.

"Good Morning, Meredith." Alex nodded at her as she walked into the locker room.

"Morning." She replied heading to her locker.

"Hi!" A bubbly, blonde resident said coming up beside her. "I don't think we've met. I'm Isobel Stevens, but everyone calls me Izzie."

"God, dial down the peppiness, Barbie. It's too damn early." Another female resident said as she pushed by.

"And that's Christina. She has a stick up her ass." Alex smirked at Christina before looking at Meredith.

"Ah, I'm Meredith." She said with a small smile. "I would stay and talk, but I've got to go.

"Mer, why don't you sit with us at lunch?" George offered.

"What is this high school?" Christina rolled her eyes.

"We'll see." Meredith shrugged. "I have a surgery at one to get ready for. I'll see you guys later." With that she walked out.

--

When she walked into the cafeteria, she glanced around hoping to see either Bailey or her parents. Seeing neither, she sighed annoyed that it would be another lunchtime of fighting off memories with the use of a patient's chart. But just as she was about to sit at an empty table, Izzie called her over to the table where she, Alex, George, and Christina sat. Hesitantly, Meredith walked over and sat down in the seat between Izzie and Alex.

"Hey." She sighed feeling slightly awkward. They all echoed the greeting back to her.

"So, Meredith, I saw you have a huge surgery on the board today." Izzie said.

"Yeah, my interns are doing the pre-op testing."

"You're so lucky. I haven't gotten a good surgery in two days." George complained.

"Whiney Bambi… All you do is whine." Christina shot at him.

"Look at that hottie that just walked in." Izzie said nudging Meredith.

Sighing, Meredith glanced over towards the door out to the patio. She froze. Tears quickly pooled in the corner of her eyes. She wanted to run. She wanted to scream. But she couldn't move.

His eyes scanned the patio in hopes to find the one person he had made the trip to Seattle to find. His eyes finally glazed over hers quickly locking with them. He could see the pain in her eyes just as she could see it in his as he walked over. When he stood only two feet away from her, she finally got the strength to pull herself to her feet. Her legs were like jell-o, but she tried to look strong.

"Meredith…" He said in a weak, drained voice. His heart broke into two when he saw the pain cross her face. Her jaw quivered as she tried to keep her tears at bay. He took a couple steps closer to her touching her arm. She savored the feeling of his touch for a second before she pulled away. A few tears escaped as she stared at him. "Mer, please…"

He stepped towards her trying to touch her once more. Before she could stop herself, she slapped him hard across the face. His head turned slightly as her hand came in contact with his cheek, but once he returned his eyes to hers he hardly flinched. Tears were now running freely off her cheeks and she could feel everybody's eyes on her. But for right then, she didn't care.

"How could you?" She said in a low, quivering voice. Before he could say anything, she stormed out.

He stood still for a second staring in the direction she disappeared. After she was long since out of sight, he turned his eyes to the ground and ran his fingers through his hair. When he lifted his head, he noticed the audience staring at him.

"What the hell are you looking at?" He growled at the four residents sitting at the table Meredith was once sitting at. They quickly looked away as Mark turned to walk away. He needed to find her. He needed to make this right. Meredith was the best thing that ever happened to him. She was the most important thing in his life. He wasn't about to lose her like this.


	14. Home Address

He had been in Seattle for three hours. It had been nearly two since he had seen his wife. Not knowing the hospitals lay-out had been as much of a problem as any. He had no clue where she would hide or who she would go to. So he found himself walking aimlessly until he stumbled upon the OR board. His eyes quickly picked up her name. Meredith Grey. It hurt to find she was using her maiden name again. He knew it was his fault. But still, she had been Sloan for the last two years. Pushing the thoughts into the back of his head, he headed to the elevator in hopes to figure our where the OR was.

--

She had been in surgery for an hour and a half trying to reduce a bleed in her patient's brain so he would be stable enough for spinal surgery the next day. She had successfully let the thoughts of Mark out of her head long enough to concentrate on the surgery. She knew that at least her stepfather didn't know about his arrival or he wouldn't have allowed her to scrub in. But when she looked up into the gallery, she saw her mother watching her movements carefully.

"Can I get some suction over here?" She asked turning her eyes back to her patient's brain. "What do we need to do now, Dr. Turner?"

"Move into the temporal lobe." He answered standing on his tip toes to get a better look.

"Good." Meredith nodded. She couldn't help but let her eyes wonder up to the gallery. This time she saw Mark leaning against the back wall. Their eyes locked for a second before she tore them away and continued with the surgery.

--

She worked through the surgery flawlessly. He didn't take his eyes off of her for a second. Even though he had seen her perform and preformed surgeries with her, he always was mesmerized by how precisely her hands worked through the human brain. She tried her best not to look up at the gallery which he could tell was hard for her. It hurt him deeply to see her so hurt. Ever since they met, he devoted himself to keeping a smile on her face. And he always succeeded until now. Their relationship had never been anything but blissful. It killed him to see it otherwise.

"_Ugh, interns." Mark complained to another plastic surgeon. _

"_I know what you mean. Babysitting whiney interns who don't know the difference between an anus and a rectum is not how I want to spend my years as an attending." The other doctor replied rolling his eyes. _

"_You'd think that, that stage of being a doctor would end after our residencies."_

"_Did you guys hear?" Another doctor asked hurrying up._

"_Hear what?" Mark asked not looking up from his phone._

"_Ellis Grey is here."_

"_Here? As in… here?" The doctor standing beside Mark asked. _

"_Yeah. Her daughter is an intern here."_

"_Oh great, an intern who thinks she knows everything and can get anything because of her mommy." Mark complained. _

"_She's seriously hot."_

"_So are a lot of chicks. Trust me; it's not worth the hassle of a selfish, stuck-up, know-it-all intern, who probably wouldn't go for the one-night stand thing." Mark said._

"_That's her." _

_He lifted his head from the phone as a big group of doctors came around the corner. In the back was a petite doctor with her dirty blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail. She wore the usual light blue scrubs and crisp white lab coat. Her eyes scanned the hospital and locked with his. Though his pride kept him from admitting it because it sounded too girly, she took his breath away. _

He was pulled from his thoughts when he noticed people filing out of the room. Glancing down in the OR, he noticed she was gone and the patient was being prepared for transport.

--

She knew that Richard would soon be showing up to badger her about her emotional state then send her home where she would sit alone without any choice but to remember the pain. She quickly finished scrubbing out and dried her hands with a handful of paper towels. Just as she moved to leave, the door opened. She knew who it was before she saw him.

"Meredith…" He started.

"I can't deal with this now." She said trying to sound as stern as she could. She tried to push past him, but he grabbed her arm causing her to turn to face him. "Mark…" When he saw the tears coming, his grip softened, and she slipped her arm out through his hands. Quickly, she turned and hurried away but not before he notice the rings still perched on her finger. She was still wearing the rings. That had to count for something, right?

--

Just as to be suspected Richard had her go home. He offered to come with her, but she told him she wanted to be alone. It wasn't entirely true, but it would have to do. She snuck out of the hospital without running into Mark again.

Once again, he was left to wonder around the hospital with no destination except wherever Meredith was. As he made his way up a set of stairs that led from the nurses' station area to the overpass, he noticed an office with "Richard Webber MD, chief of surgery' on the door. He hadn't seen either of his in-laws since he showed up in Seattle. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. They probably had a few things to say about him that he wasn't sure he could handle. With the look of hurt in Meredith's eyes still haunting his thoughts, he wasn't sure he could take yelling and disapproving, hateful words. But knowing that now Meredith was close to her parents, he figured they might know where she had gone to, so slowly he gained courage to knock. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on his father in-law's door.

"Come in." Richard's voice boomed from the other side of the door.

When Richard saw who it was, he quickly stood and anger rushed through his veins. "You've got some nerve showing up here, Sloan." He growled. Mark's head fell to look at the ground.

"Richard." Ellis hissed as she got to her feet too. She was fond of her son in-law as she always had been. And she knew Mark would never hurt Meredith. She knew there had to be something going on they didn't know about. "I'm glad you finally showed up."

"I know right now you think I hurt Mer, but I would never hurt her. I need to see her. Do you know where she is?"

"Why would we tell you?" Richard asked. Ellis glared at her husband.

"Mark, will you wait outside for a second?" Mark nodded and walked into the hall. "Richard, this is uncalled for."

"He cheated on Meredith."

"Call me crazy, but I don't think he did."

"Do you see how hurt Meredith is right now?"

"Of course I do. She's my daughter. But Mark worships the ground she walks on. He wouldn't do this." Richard sighed knowing that his wife was right. "They need to work this out. She loves him and obviously he loves her."

"She's not going to like it if we tell him where she lives."

"They need to talk. And did you even look at him, he's completely miserable." Ellis walked to the door and allowed Mark to come back in. "She's at home. This is her address." She wrote the address on the piece of paper. "Don't hurt her, Mark. And… give her time to cool off."

He nodded. "Thank you." He looked at Richard only to receive a stern look. Ellis gave him a quick hug as Mark kissed her cheek. "I'm not going to let her go."

"You better not." She whispered.


	15. Though The Door

_She followed her resident and fellow interns down the hall listening carefully to what her resident was say. It was her first day as an intern and as a doctor. Her stomach was doing flips, but she didn't let her nerves show on her face. They turned the corner and crossed into the main area of the surgical floor where the nurses' station was. Her eyes scanned the area before landing on three doctors. They were leaned up against the nurses' station talking and looking in their direction. They all wore surgical resident colored scrubs. Her eyes locked with a pair of grey-bluish ones. She couldn't help but to smile a small smile as she turned her head away. If only he wasn't her boss…_

_--_

_She ran her fingers along the lace and beads on her stomach and chest and down to the slightly puffed skirt. She looked at herself in the full length mirror lifting her skirt up and dropping it casing it to sway from side to side. _

"_Nervous?" Her mother's voice came from behind her. _

"_About actually walking down the isle without falling on my face? Yeah." She sighed. "About marrying Mark? Not a doubt in my mind."_

_Ellis smiled as she fixed her daughter's veil. "Mark is great, Mer." _

"_I love him, Mom." _

"_He loves you too. He won't hurt you."_

_She smiled. "I know." She turned to look at her mother hugging her close. "I love you, Mom."_

"_I love you too." She whispered pulling back. _

"_You look beautiful, Mer." Richard said from the doorway. _

_She smiled and looked at him. "Thank you, Dad."_

"_Are you ready?" He asked._

_She nodded. "Never been more ready in my life."_

"_I'll see you out there, Mer." Ellis said as she made her way out. _

"_You really do look beautiful." Richard stated kissing her temple. _

"_Are you ready for this, Dad?"_

"_I never will be." _

"_Mark is a good man, Dad."_

"_I know… I really like him. But no father will ever be ready to give their daughter away."_

"_I love you, Daddy." He said kissing his cheek. _

"_I love you too…" He took a deep breath. "Let's go get you married."_

_They made their way down the narrow hallway to the back of the courtyard. As they rounded the corner, Mark came into her line of vision. A smile quickly formed on both of their lips. She hardly noticed anyone else sitting in the courtyard. All she saw was Mark Sloan… a reformed manwhore, a brilliant surgeon, a gorgeous man, and the perfect man for her. She knew that he wouldn't hurt her, that he would always love her, and that he would do anything for her. She loved him. He loved her. In that moment, nothing else mattered._

She lied in bed watching the moonlight dance across the off-white ceiling as tears made their way down the sides of her face. Subconsciously, her hands protectively found her stomach. It was still flat. If she didn't know any better, it would be like she wasn't pregnant. Pregnant. That was something she didn't expect to be… ever. When she married Mark, she thought that they would eventually have kids somewhere down the road. Then there was the accident and they were told that they would probably never have that chance.

'_Fifty-three hours.' She thought to herself in disbelief. That's how long her sift was. Between battling interns and endless amounts of patients, she was exhausted as she made her way home at nearly seven o'clock. It wasn't late, but after so much time on her feet, it felt a lot later. Mark was already at home not having to deal with interns like she did. He wanted to wait for her but she made him go home early especially since she still had to stop by a friend's private practice to pick up some papers. Stopping at a stoplight, she yawned widely rubbing her eyes. The area wasn't too populated as she took a shortcut through a suburban area on her way deeper into the city. The light turned green. Before she knew it, she was halfway through the intersection and a loud crashing sound cut through the quiet air. She felt herself behind thrown to the side. Her eyes frantically looked around but everything was a blur. She felt sharp pains in her side as a loud sound of glass shattering echoed through her head. Horns blared as her head hit the steering wheel. The air bag deployed knocking the wind out of her. And before her head could catch up to what was happening, she felt a sharp pain in her stomach and chest as the air bag deflated and was replaced with sharp, cold metal. Then the loud banging sounds faded into a screeching noise. Soon all noises faded away. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly hoping this were all some dream. Slowly as she opened her eyes, the world was upside down. Glass from the windshield had spilled out onto the road. She tried to move her neck, but pain surged down her spin. She sat paralyzed as feet moved past her and shuffled through broken glass. Screaming and yelling soon come back to her. She wanted to scream, but she couldn't find her voice. Soon, someone outside her car crouched down in front of her on the other side of windshield. The fact that her car was now upside down settled in. His voice was fuzzy. _

"_Ma'am. Ma'am, can you hear me? Hang in there. EMS is on the way. Stay with me." He kept saying over and over. _

_Everything started to blur once again and she tried really hard to focus on the strange man's face. Her eyes fell shut._

"_Stay with me." He said again. She forced her eyes open again. "Don't move. Rescue is on the way." Her eyes fluttered shut again. "Ma'am, can you hear me?" She attempted to open her eyes again. But it was just too hard. Slowly, the pain started to numb. And she slipped away into darkness and silence._

The loud chime of the doorbell broke her thoughts. She looked down at her stomach before pulling herself out of the bed thinking that it was one of her parents. Slowly, she made her way down the stairs. She peeked outside the side window to see Mark. Pushing the curtain back, she hid behind the door in hopes that he didn't see her.

"Meredith…" He called from the other side. She winced.

"Go away." She yelled back trying to keep her tears at bay.

He sighed. "Please, Meredith." His voice sounded so upset, so desperate. This time she didn't respond. Tears rolled off her cheeks as she slid down the wall burying her head in her knees. "Meredith…" He sighed frustratingly resting his head on the door. "You don't have to look at me. You don't even have to open the door. Just… will you listen to me?" She didn't answer. He waited a few seconds before taking in a deep breath. "I would never cheat on you. You have to believe me. I did not do what you think I did. I swear to you. I don't want to see you like this. So please, let me fix this." Sobs shook her body as she listened to his words. She could hear all the pain and helplessness in his voice. "Please, Mer." He begged.

Tears gathered in his own eyes as he turned and slid down the door. He pulled his legs up and rested his arms on top of them before burying his head into his arms.

They sat like that in complete silence for what felt like forever. Finally she lifted her head and wiped a few tears out of her eyes only to be quickly replaced with fresh ones. Slowly, she forced herself off the floor. Sniffling, she glanced out the window. Mark still sat on the other side of the door. His eyes were slightly red as he stared into the distance. He was subconsciously either singing or mouthing words to a song. She watched his lips carefully before realizing what song it was. It was the first song they ever danced to. She smiled sadly placing her hand against the window. He didn't look away from whatever he was staring at. Slowly, she turned and walked away.

He stayed there until midnight. As the rain started to get heavier, he finally pulled himself off the porch. Rubbing his hand over his face and through his hair, he sighed. "I love you, Mer." He whispered as he turned and started towards his car. Allowing the water to drench his clothes, he glanced back at the house once more and went back to the car.


	16. What Can I Do?

She woke up the same time she did every morning. After a night of restless sleep, she pulled herself out of bed just in time to be sent running to the bathroom. She quickly showered and got dressed before heading off to work. She wondered if he would show up there again. Silently, she wished he would. But by the time she pulled into the parking lot, uncertainty washed over her. And even though, she had to go meet her interns soon, she found it harder and harder to move from her spot in the driver's seat. She knew the gossip mill would be running wild since she slapped the handsome stranger in the middle of the cafeteria with a lot of the staff watching on. Groaning, she hit her head on the steering wheel. When she lifted her head, she noticed Derek looking at her through the windshield. Rolling her eyes, she sat up pushing the loose hair back towards her ponytail before grabbing her bag and getting out.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey." He smiled.

"Dr. Shepherd." She nodded at him as she headed toward the entrance of the hospital.

He hurried to catch up with her. "So, any interesting cases?"

She shrugged. "I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd. But I'm not in the mood to chat. So if you will excuse me."

He stopped slightly shocked. He hadn't been turned down by anyone in quite a long time. "Oh, right… okay."

She hurried away to the locker room. It buzzed with conversation, but as soon as she walked into the room everything fell silent. She rolled her eyes not bothering to address anyone as she opened her locker. A few people coughed or cleared their throat, but the awkward silence still hung in the air. Even Alex was silent. Letting out a sigh, she squeezed the bridge of her nose as she fell back onto the bench. Cradling her head in her hands, she took deep breaths trying to keep the tears at bay. To add to her current situation, she hated being the bud of everyone's joke and the center of gossip.

Soon, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning her head to the side, she glanced at Alex.

"Sorry." She sighed.

"You okay?"

It seemed like everyone was listening. She couldn't breath. Standing up, she grabbed her scrubs and slammed her locker door. "I'm fine."

With that she walked off. Once she was well out of sight conversation resumed. Alex watched after her and sighed.

"I wonder why she slapped him." George said.

"Did you see him? He was completely hot." Izzie gushed.

"Stop talking about her, Guys." Alex said before turning and walking away.

--

After changing in the bathroom, she set off to find her interns. She finally spotted them at the nurses' station on the surgical floor. They were talking among themselves. As she made her way closer she caught bits of their conversation.

"I can't believe she slapped him." Dr. Summers was saying.

"Do you know who 'he' is?" Dr. Tuner asked.

"He's Mark Sloan." Dr. Salmon answered.

"Mark Sloan? Like the plastic god?" Dr. Tuner asked.

Meredith cleared her throat loudly and looked at them with her arms crossed across her chest. They all jumped at the sound.

"I suggest you stop worrying about my personal life." She opened on of her charts as her interns let out a breath of relief thinking that was the end of their lecture/ punishment. "These are my patients for the day. One needs spinal surgery. One might need half their brain removed. And one has aneurism. I need all hands on deck." She looked at the excited faces of her interns. "These patients all depend on us to stay focused. Obviously, you can't handle that. Instead of scrubbing in on one of these surgeries, you all will be enjoying the pit and clinic. Hope it was worth it."

"But Dr. Grey…" They all started talking at once. She put her hand up to stop them from talking.

"You chose to gossip. You chose to break my rules." She snapped. "Now get your asses to the pit. Before, I change my mind and put you all on scut for a month! Page me if anything surgical comes in." They stood there for another moment. "GO!" With that they all scurried off.

Hearing a chuckle from behind her, she turned to see who it was coming from. Bailey stood behind her with an amused expression.

"Well done, Meredith." She chuckled.

"Thanks." She sighed.

"So I've heard…"

"Not you too." She groaned.

"I was just going to say that I heard about your spinal surgery today. It sounds interesting. But now that you bring it up…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm not much of a gossip anyway. But if you need me, I'm here."

Meredith watched her way away. "Miranda." She called after a few seconds. Bailey walked back to her. Meredith sighed and led her to an empty exam room.

"What can I do for you?"

She sighed and sat down in the chair. "I'm pregnant, Miranda."

"And… that gentleman you slapped is the father."

Meredith cradled her head in her hands as tears started down her cheeks. Bailey stood beside her rubbing her back waiting for an answer she had already gotten. Slowly, Meredith nodded lifting her head slightly to look at her longtime friend. "It's complicated."

"Who is he?" She asked slowly and cautiously.

"He's… He's my husband." She sniffled trying to dry her eyes.

"Oh…" To be honest, she was shocked. Meredith, one of her closest friends, got married, and she hadn't heard anything of it. Sure the last three and a half or four years during Meredith's internship and early residency, she didn't have time to visit. Bailey too had been busy with the birth of her son and her position as chief resident. Neither really had time to call each other like they used to. But, still, she got married. To be honest, Bailey didn't feel all that bitter for not being informed.

"We got married two years ago." Her jaw quivered, but with all her might she tried to hold her tears back.

Bailey decided against pressing the subject of the whole slapping incident. "What can I do?"

Tears rolled off her cheeks once again. "I don't know. Just don't believe what you hear."

Bailey gave her a soft smile. "I never do. When you work here, you learn it's all a load of crap."


	17. No Warning

"Richard, please, you have to trust me

"Richard, please, you have to trust me." Mark pleaded.

"I did trust you, and what did you do with that trust?"

"I didn't do what you think I did!"

Richard crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair studying his son in-law. He looked so helpless… so valuable… so hurt. Rubbing his eyes, he sighed nodding slowly. "I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for Mer, because I know that she loves you." He swallowed hard. "If you hurt her…" He didn't bother to finish the threat as he pulled out a few papers to start filling out.

"I promise you, I won't."

"Come back to sign a contract in a week… You can start today."

"Thank you, Richard."

--

Derek stood watching Richard give a doctor a tour. He watched curiously trying to figure out who the strange doctor was. He was wearing a Seattle Grace lab coat and dark blue scrubs that signified a surgical attending. Richard hadn't said anything about a new attending. Normally, he would if they were getting one.

Turning his head, he noticed Meredith heading his way to the nurses' station. She was intently studying a chart.

"Dr. Grey?" He said as she walked up. She glanced up at his inquisitive look.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd."

"Did you hear anything about getting a new attending?" He said gesturing the direction of the two doctors on the other side of the glass.

She followed his gaze, and she felt her heart stop. She wasn't sure how she would feel. She wasn't sure what to think. "Oh god."

Derek, who hadn't been in the cafeteria during the incident the day before but had heard of it, gave her a clueless look. But before he could question her, she hurried away and ducked into a room. Shrugging it off, he turned his gaze back to the doctors just as Richard led the new doctor out. They soon appeared again across the nurses' station from where Derek stood. Derek let his eyes fall to the chart in front of him pretending not to be looking at them.

"Derek." Richard said as he stood beside him.

"Sir?" Derek looked at him.

"This is Mark Sloan, our new head of plastics. Mark this is Derek Shepherd, head of neurosurgery."

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Sloan." Derek said extending his hand.

"Likewise, Dr. Shepherd." Mark said absently shaking his hand.

"Blue is definitely you're color, Mark Sloan." Ellis said coming up beside her husband. Sending Richard a confused sideways glance, she smiled at her son in-law.

"You like?" He smiled spinning around.

"It will be fun working with you." Ellis chuckled. "I wasn't expecting my husband would agree."

"I worked my charm, you know." He joked. "Is it a letdown?"

"No, definitely not… It will be a nerve-racking couple of weeks, though."

"I like to keep people on the edge."

"You better get to work, Mark." Richard said.

"Have any patients for me?" He asked. Richard handed him a chart. "Thank you, Richard." Both Richard and Ellis knew what his 'thank you' was all about. Derek just came to the conclusion that he was talking about the job.

"Don't let me down, Sloan."

He nodded. "I'll see you guys later." Out of habit, he kissed Ellis's cheek before walking off. Even further confuse, Derek turned his gaze from where Mark stood to Ellis and Richard.

"See you later, Shepherd." Richard nodded before leading his wife away.

--

"How could you not give me any warning?" Meredith yelled as she stormed into her father's office.

"Meredith…" Richard said calmly shutting the chart that lied in front of him.

"No, Dad. How could you do this to me?"

"Meredith, you have to understand it's for the best."

"For the best? My husband is here! My husband, Dad!"

"You have to talk to him Meredith. If you hope to salvage your marriage…"

"How about you let me worry about my marriage?" She said harshly before storming out.

He sighed leaning back in his chair pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew Meredith hadn't meant what she had said. She was just frustrated, hurting, and probably hormonal. He understood, but it didn't make it any less painful to see her in so much pain. He remembered the day she told him that she was getting married. She flew in from New York to surprise her parents just to give them the news. She glowed with excitement and happiness when she said those words. 'I'm getting married.' It scared him to death, but he knew Mark was right for her. He knew in his heart that his son in-law would never hurt Meredith. But it wasn't that easy to convince his brain of that, and it didn't make it any easier to see Mark without getting angry

--

She watched him from the nurses' station. He hadn't noticed her yet, and she hoped he wouldn't. She kept a safe distance away as he was far enough down the hall to be in sight but far out of earshot. He was talking to another doctor. Even so far away, she could tell that he was frustrated by what the other doctor was saying. She couldn't look away. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop from watching his every move admiring the way he ran his fingers through his hair when he was frustrated or the way when he moved his arms certain ways his lab coat tighten around his perfectly muscular arms that once held her. She couldn't help but be mesmerized by all the little things that she had seen him do so many times over the years. His little tells. She could always pick up on things like that. It was one of the things made their relationship so different than others. The way they understood each other, the way they knew everything about each other, or the way they were so comfortable with each other they could do or say anything in each other's company were just a few of the things that first made her realize she was in love. Now it seemed that their marriage was in danger of slipping away. She didn't want it to. She wished for nothing more than to be in his arms once again. But at the end of the day, where would she be? Pregnant, going home to an empty house, in love with her husband… yet alone. This was not where she wanted to be. She didn't want Seattle. She didn't want to be apart from Mark. She didn't want to be so damn lonely!


	18. The Threat

"Meredith

"Meredith?" Alex called from behind her. She stopped so he could catch up with her without lifting her eyes from the chart she was reading.

"Hey." She sighed as she shut the chart glad for the distraction.

"Hey. Did you see Burke's surgery on the board?"

"No, what?"

"There's a shard of glass in this guy's chest from the accident from earlier. Want to come watch it with me?"

"No, I think I'm just going to lay low for a while, but let me know how it goes, okay?"

"Yeah."

She stopped in front of the patient's room. "Thanks for this Alex."

"For what?"

"For just talking to me like normal. Everybody else is too busy freaking out just to let me be normal here at work."

He gave her a smile. "You're welcome, Mer."

"See you later?"

"Definitely."

She gave him a brief smile before walking into the patient's room.

--

The surgery was nothing special, but still interns, residents, and attendings flocked into the small gallery to watch the amazing Mark Sloan perform his first surgery at Seattle Grace. She couldn't resist coming up to watch it too. About ten minutes after the surgery started, she slipped into the back of the cramped room. Richard and Ellis sat in the front on the other side of the room. Alex sat in the middle seat in the front with Izzie, Christina, and George in surrounding seats. Shifting her eyes from the crowd to her husband, she saw him sitting at the head of one of the accident victims. His hands worked skillfully to restore her face. She thought back to the countless surgeries they had done together. Even though she was a neurosurgeon, she scrubbed in on plenty of surgeries she probably didn't need to be in. But they worked better together than separate. She wished to be in the OR with him.

He glanced up and noticed her sending her a small smile though the mask that covered his face. She still showed up to watch his surgery. That had to mean something. Even if it meant nothing to her, it meant something to him. He needed her there. He stared for a brief second before turning back to his patient with a small smile still playing his lips. If he knew she would come, he would gesture for her to come in. But the chance of her doing that was slim, so he was content enough just to have her so close.

She watched the surgery intently. She watched the way his fingers moved, the way he ordered people around, and the way he got a content smile as he announce it was time to close up. She slipped out just as he put his last stitch onto the patient's face. She almost wanted to go to the scrub room out of habit to congratulate him, but instead she headed back to work without a word to him or anyone.

--

He walked into the attending locker room making a face at the faint smell that lingered in the air. Rolling his eyes at some staring women, he opened his locker and pulled off his shirt. He pretended not to notice the woman that seemed to watch him not so discreetly. After pulling on a button down shirt, he grabbed his wedding ring off the small shelf at the top of the locker and made sure they saw him put it on with a satisfied smile before putting on a pair of jeans and making his way out.

Getting on the elevator, he nodded at the younger doctor without paying much to who the doctor was. His attention was on his phone when he felt the elevator stop. When he looked up he saw that that doctor Meredith had been hanging around a lot had pressed the stop button. "What are you doing, Doctor…?"

"Kerev."

"Well, Dr. Kerev, I have somewhere I need to be…"

"You're Grey's husband." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Meredith's last name is Sloan."

"I don't know what you did to her. But I know Meredith is a good person."

"You don't need to tell me what I already know about my wife."

"You're a great surgeon and I would really love to learn from your work. But if you make her cry again, I won't hesitate to hurt you." He started the elevator again. The doors dinged and opened. Alex stepped out and the doors started to close again. Mark put his hand out to stop them.

"Kerev." He called. Alex turned to look at him. "Thank you for looking out of her."

Alex just nodded and disappeared down the hall.


	19. Easing The Pain

One of the most annoying things about being a doctor was being the on-call resident

One of the most annoying things about being a doctor was being the on-call resident. The insistent beeping of her pager, interns that made mistake after mistake, never ending questions, patients whining about being woken up in the middle of the night, and the inability to catch even a wink of sleep… What part of that sounded appealing? When people glorified the profession, they obviously never had been on-call.

She groaned as she trudged out of the uncomfortable bottom bunk of the on-call room bed that only seemed to become more appealing as the night went on. Her pager went off again. Rolling her eyes, she picked up her walking pace slightly pulling the pager of the waistband.

"Stupid, stupid interns." She mumbled. "What do you need?" She asked Dr. Salmon.

"The patient in 4139 has a low heart rate and weak breathing. I tried epinephrine, but it's not helping." Nodding, Meredith wondered why that room number sounded familiar. She was too tired to think too hard about it and made her way towards the room without a word to the intern.

She made her way down the hall until she found the room she was looking for. The door was already open when she stepped in front of it. Her eyes instantly fell on the bed and she froze. Thatcher lied in the bed taking weak breaths from the air mask. Shaking the thoughts from her head, she pushed from the door pretending this was just a patient.

"Push two more of epinephrine." Dr. Salmon injected it. Meredith's eyes fell on the monitor. She found herself holding her breath until the numbers started to rise. She rolled her eyes at how easy it was to fix the problem, but the intern still woke her. "Monitor him." She ordered. "Keep the O2 until his stats rise."

Dr. Salmon nodded. Meredith moved towards the bed, but her eyes fell to the bed causing her body to freeze again. "Dr. Grey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She said sharply. But her eyes still froze on her father's face. His eyes fluttered open in that instant. She turned her head to keep him from seeing her face. "Page me if you need anything." She turned to leave both her father grabbed her hand. Meredith looked at him before pulling her hand free and walking out.

"Meredith." He said quietly, but she either didn't hear him or didn't care.

Walking down the hall, she tried with all her might to free her mind from thoughts of Thatcher or Mark. Her stomach growled. It seemed like a good distraction. She started to ponder her hunger which seemed like an odd topic of thought. She couldn't recall the last time she ate. Out of nowhere an overpowering scent of what smelled steak entered her nose. Taking in a deep breath of the smell, she wondered where it was coming from. She felt her stomach grumble as she bit her lip in pleasure. She needed to know where it was coming from.

"Dr. Grey?" A nurse called as she passed the nurses' station.

"Yes?" She turned deciding the put her search aside and tend to her work.

The nurse lightly pushed a brown paper bag in her direction. "Someone left this for you."

Meredith walked over and picked up the bag. Heat radiated of the bottom of the bag as the smell of steak got more evident. "Thanks." She smiled and made her way back to the on-call room. After making sure it was still empty, she sat down at the small table pressed against the door. Pulling a container and drink out of the bottom of the bag, she set it on the table and peered down in the bag. An envelope sat in the bottom. She pulled it out, flipped it over, and pulled out the letter inside.

**Mer,**

**You never did like being on-call. I figured I'd just try to ease the pain of that and help you through the night. If that's all I can fix right now, then at least I can make this a little easier for you. I know you don't want to talk, right now. Take your time. I'll be waiting. I'm not going anywhere. Just know that I love you, and I'll do anything to make a smile come back to your face. **

**I love you, **

**Mark**

She folded the note as a couple of tears rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them away placing the note in her coat pocket. Sniffling, she opened the container to find her favorite dish: steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans. A smile stretched across her lips thinking about how well Mark knew her. She stuffed a bite in her mouth immediately melting in her seat.


	20. Fish On Dry Land

Rain fell over the city the next day. She awoke to the sound of the alarm on her phone going off. Eventually her pager stopped going off as often and she was able to catch a little sleep the night before. Slipping her shoes on, she headed towards the locker room. When she pushed the door open, she found it already pretty filed with changing residents. It was obvious that gossip was still going around about her because an uncomfortable silence hung in the air when she entered. Glaring at anyone courageous enough to meet her eyes, she made her way to her locker. Slowly conversation continued in a low buzz, but nobody approached her or dared to speak of her. She couldn't help but roll her eyes at them as she changed. She was a little used to the idea of being the topic of gossip since she had started in a hospital in her mother's shadow, with a slight influence of her stepfather's. Then to add to it, she started dating the notorious manwhore plastic surgeon aka her boss. It never really bothered her back in New York since she knew what they were saying. Here, she could only hazard a guess of what lies were making their way around the gossip mill.

"Meredith?" Bailey's voice came. She was surprised to see Bailey there. Sure, she was a resident, but she was the Chief Resident. She had an office, so there really wasn't any use of the locker room to her.

"Hey, Miranda." Meredith smiled greeting one of her oldest friends without bothering with formality.

"Can I talk to you?" She shifted her feet; a gesture that did not go unnoticed by Meredith. Miranda Bailey never got nervous.

"Yeah, sure." Shutting her locker, she followed Bailey out. "What's up? Is something wrong?"

"Meredith, Thatcher is looking for you."

"I don't want to see him, Miranda."

"I know you don't, but he seems determined. He's been grilling every nurse and doctor that comes into the room for info."

"They can't give it to him, right?"

"Mer, I'm saying this as a friend. It might be best to talk to him."

"No, no good can come from talking to my estranged, uncaring, bastard of a father." She spat angrily.

"Okay." She sighed knowing it was a sore subject. "Have any interesting cases?"

"Not really." She shrugged happy for the change of subject. "Page if you get anything?"

"Yep. Same goes for you. It's been a boring few days and I need something to… lighten my mood."

Meredith giggled rolling her eyes. "See you later, Miranda."

"You too, Meredith." She walked off laughing lightly.

--

Somehow she found herself in front of his room looking on the happy family. His new wife, whose name she found out to be Susan, was sitting on the edge of the bed caressing his hand. His daughters, Lexi and Molly, sat near watching with fear and concern written on their faces. They weren't very good at hiding it either, but they kept trying.

"What are you doing up here?" Her mother asked as she came up beside her crossing her arms tightly across her chest.

"Watching my father and his perfect, new family." She said unable to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

Ellis scoffed. "We were too good for him anyway."

A small smile stretched across Meredith's lips. "I guess we were. Besides, Richard is a better father. He would never abandon me." Ellis took her daughter's hand for support. "Sometimes I wonder." Her voice creaked slightly. "Sometimes I wonder why and what would have been different if her never left."

"I don't know, Mer. He wasn't around much when you were young." Meredith looked at her quizzically not remembering that from her childhood. "The research company he was working for when you were two and three offered him a position trying to link some diseases in Africa to some here. I'm not really sure. I'm sad to say, I never paid enough attention to care. But anyway…" She sighed. "Richard was more of a father to you when you were two. Thatcher finally came around after the position in Africa and was there for you until I decided it was time for a divorce."

"So… nothing would have changed. He would have never fought for me."

"I don't know, Mer. He loved you. But I know that what life you grew up with was so much better than what you had when you were two and three." She sighed again trying to think how to explain everything. "Thatcher loved you, but he didn't know what he wanted beyond having you. We were busy with our careers. We were fighting almost every chance we got. Until it was too much for both of us. Beyond that I don't know what happened."

"But he loved me. He doesn't care about me anymore." Her eyes didn't leave the family. They were laughing, but nobody noticed them.

"I'm sure he does. You just have to ask him. I can't make any decisions for you, Mer. Just know that regardless of what you choose to speak to him or not, me and Richard love you. We'll be here to support you through everything." Meredith gave her a weak smile. "And, I know it's hard to see right now, but I know one other person who will support you and loves you." With that she walked off knowing her daughter knew who she was talking about.

After standing there for what seemed like forever, she turned and left still unnoticed by the family.

--

Once again, she found herself in the proximity of his room. Leaning against the nurses' station she stared in at him. She felt like she needed Mark. But they weren't talking, and he was in surgery and had been all day trying to recreate a patient's face that had been severely burned in a house fire. Alex when in there too. Christina was in a heart surgery with Burke, and Izzie since the patient was a newborn. Addison was in with George and Bailey on a pregnant woman who had some lung issues. So she stood alone with nobody, not even an acquaintance to talk to. Just as she was about to turn and walk away feeling pitiful for standing outside the room of her estranged father as if some guiding light would appear and she would amazingly be able to make a decision on what to do about her father, the monitors in his room rang out.

Glancing around, she noticed there where no other doctors in the area, only nurses. So she hurried towards the room instantly getting involved. Thatcher's body flopped around in bed like a fish on dry land. Susan, who had been sitting in the corner knitting, was screaming and making a large scene.

"He's having a seizure." A nurse said.

"Help him, Meredith!" Susan kept yelling.

"Get her out of here." Meredith ordered unable to think. A nurse pushed her out of the room trying to explain she needed to leave. "2mg of Diazepam." One nurse was supporting his head while the others rushed around to fulfill her request.

"Diazepam in." Someone announced.

"No change." Someone else said.

"3mg of Phenobarbital." Meredith said.

"Pheno's in." A nurse stated.

The steady flat lining alarm filled the room.

"Get a crash cart." Meredith yelled. Her eyes quickly locked with Susan's before she looked away and began CPR. "Push three of epinephrine. Any change?"

"No."

"Paddles." A nurse passed them to her and squirted some gel on them. "Charge to 200." She ordered rubbing the paddles together.

"Charged."

"Clear." His body flew off the bed and fell back down with a little thump as she watched the monitors for a change. Nothing. "Charge to 250."

"Charged."

"Clear." Once again his body came up, and she watched the monitors. The rhythm started to come back. "How are his oxygen stats?" She said letting out a brief sigh of relief.

"The ambu bag isn't helping. His oxygen stats aren't improving. We have to intubate him."

"I'll do it. Get me a .7 tube." Meredith order moving to Thatcher's head. His face looked so lifeless, so cold. Shaking the thoughts out of her head, she reminded herself he wasn't Thatcher Grey. He was just a random patient. Pulling his chin up, she opened his mouth and swiftly intubated him and hooked him up to the machine. "Heart rate?"

"Weak, but there."

"Order a CT and MRI. I want to know what triggered this seizure."

"He isn't your patient."

"He is until Dr. Harrison gets out of surgery."

"He's your father." The nurse said in a low tone.

"I do believe you've overstepped your boundaries. Shepherd isn't here today. Harrison is in surgery. I'm the only other neurosurgeon not in surgery, without the day off, and in state, so I guess he's my responsibility regardless of who he is." With that she walked out only stopping to address Susan. "He's stable, Mrs. Grey. But I'm ordering test to find out why he had the seizure. If you need anything, have a nurse page me." She started to walk off.

"He really wants to see you, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." With that she headed down the hall.


	21. Your Fault

She hated him

She hated him. He left. He was the first man in her life to instill distrust in her. It hurt to think about him. She wanted to yell and throw things at his head. She was four when he left. Four! She was unable to defend herself from heartbreak. But, he just left. Packed up his things and left never looking back. It infuriated her. It crushed her.

Yet as she stood there looking up at the scans that Dr. Summers had just handed her, she couldn't help but feel devastated. Taking a deep breath, she nodded at the other doctor that he could go back to his duties. She let her hand fall and slipped the scans back into their envelope. Why did it have to be so hard?

With her head hung low, she walked down the hall unable to meet anyone's eyes. She just wanted to curl up in her husband's arms until all the demons of her past and present diminished. But she couldn't. Instead she made her way to Thatcher's room to deliver news that would be anything but easy for his new wife to hear.

She gave the door a short knock. It was going to be harder to say than she anticipated. Not only Susan sat in the room, but Molly and Lexi sat next to her. A wave of nausea hit when they all looked up at her hopefully. But she choked down the urge to run to the nearest bathroom and swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly. Susan immediately bust into tears. Everyone knew no good news would fallow when a doctor said those two fateful words.

"Wh…What?" Susan sobbed.

"He had an aneurysm. It could have been there his whole life undetected, but…" She took a deep breath. "But, when he was in the accident, it burst… He's been bleeding into his brain without us knowing for the last few days."

"Then why now?" Lexi said as tears rolled down her cheeks. "Why didn't he have a seizure earlier?"

"We believe that the accident began the process. It started slowly leaking blood. But as time went on the more intense it became. Eventually it burst completely." Meredith tried to explain.

"What do we do? Surgery?" Molly cried.

"It has gone undetected too long. There's too much damage."

"You can't operate?" Susan sobbed.

"I'm so sorry. There's nothing more we can do."

"You're just going to let him die!" Lexi yelled. "He's your patient. He's your father!"

"You have to try. Meredith, you have to." Susan pleaded.

"We can't. There's too much damage."

"Is he going to wake up?" Susan asked her eyes pleading with her.

"No. I'm sorry."

"This is your fault. You, a freaking neurosurgeon, can't save your own father. You won't even try." Lexi yelled. "You should have found it earlier."

Tears lined Meredith eyes. "I'm sorry." She turned and walked out. She didn't stop walking. She didn't notice when Mark started following her out as she walked past the nurse station. She just kept walking until she felt the cold wind against her cheek and the freezing rain droplets soak into her scrub top. Tears started making their way down her cheeks as sobs started erupting out of her mouth. She didn't get far down the sidewalk before she collapsed onto the ground.

He didn't know why she was crying. Right then it didn't really matter. He needed to comfort his wife regardless of what was going on in their lives.

He walked up behind her falling to his knees beside her. Her sobs didn't waver as if she didn't notice him. Without hesitation, he scooped her into his arms. She tried to fight him, but he held her firmly. Her fist hit his chest as hard as she could, but he didn't seem effected.

"Meredith." He said in a desperate, concerned voice. Her hits stopped when she collapsed into his chest burying her head into his neck. Her body was shaking with sobs as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I can't… I just can't do it." She sobbed. "I'm so tired."

"Sh... Sh…" He tried to calm her running his hands over her soaked hair. "It'll be okay, I promise. It'll be okay."

"I can't do it." She kept crying. "I can't do it."

He didn't know what 'it' was, but now wasn't the time to question her. He just held her why she cried as he always did assuring her that it will all work out. Even though the last week or so had been filled with uncertainty. But that he was certain, everything would be okay. He would stop at nothing to see her smile, hear her giggle, and feel her body next to his every morning and every night.

"Come on, Mer." He whispered lifting her off the ground. He wasn't about to take her inside where, in the few days he had been there he had learned, gossip spread like a wildfire. Instead he carried her to his car and sat her down in the passenger seat. She was reluctant to pull her arms from around her neck, but she did and pulled her knees into her chest. The tears didn't falter even though it felt so good to be in his arms. She instantly missed it as she sat in the expensive car. Mark sent a text to Richard as he moved around the car telling him they wouldn't be back for the rest of the day before slipping in behind the wheel. He looked at his wife. She looked so broken, but something was different in the way she looked beyond that. He didn't think about it now. Instead, he just drove knowing exactly where she had been living without asking.


	22. Why Can't I?

She was numb to everything as he carried her through the door of her house after he dug through his purse until he found her key

She was numb to everything with no more tears on her cheeks as he carried her through the door of her house after he dug through his purse until he found her key. He locked it behind him and carried her up the stairs with ease. Her weight was hardly noticeable to him. She seemed as light as a feather. He kicked the door open and stood her up. She wearily swayed holding onto fistfuls of his shirt for support. She didn't seem fazed as he pulled at her wet scrub pants that stuck to her legs until they were at her ankles. He slipped off her panties and dried her legs with a towel lying on a nearby chair. Once he was sure she wouldn't collapse, he went to her dresser drawer and found another pair of panties, her favorite pair of pajama pants, and one of his old shirts he stole when they first started dating. He finished helping her change into dry clothes and led towards her bed. She stared at it as if it didn't register where they were or what was going on. He pulled back the covers and helped in. Her wet hair instantly dampened the pillowcase, but she didn't seem to mind so he didn't bother to do anything about it. He didn't turn his back to her until he moved the close the curtains the way she always wanted it done in New York. When he did turn around, she was in a ball on her side with her back to him. Her shoulders shook almost unnoticeable, but he noticed. Of course he noticed. He noticed everything about her. But, when he walked to the other side of the bed so she was facing him, she rolled onto her other side as her body shook harder and quiet sobs that she tried to stifled erupted from her mouth.

"Mer?" His voice was caught somewhere in between pleading and soothing. She didn't say anything at first, so he reached out and touched her side. She jerked away as her sobs grew louder.

"You can't be here Mark." She sobbed.

"Mer…"

"You cheated on me."

"Mer…"

"Just… Please… I can't…."

He broke her. They needed to talk. They needed to clear up this misunderstanding before it was too late. But right now, wasn't the time.

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "We need to talk maybe not today, but we have to talk."

She didn't respond or react until she heard the soft creak of the door close and the latch click. Rolling onto her back, she reached up and touched the place that was still tingling. She heard the front door shut and his car start up. In the pit of her stomach, she felt like she wanted to chase after him and tell him she loved him, but she just lied there staring at the ceiling as light was cast onto it from his headlights as he pulled away. She watched in sadness as they disappeared as quickly as they came.

What was she supposed to do now? She wanted to hate him. She wanted to scream. She wanted to not love him. Why couldn't she be? Any other woman in her position would have had a lawyer draw up papers. Why hadn't she? She didn't want a divorce, because in some sick twist of faith she was still deeply in love with her husband. She missed being in his arms and walking into the hospital hand-in-hand. She missed falling asleep next to him and waking up in his warm embrace. Why was it so difficult to hate him? To not be so deeply in love with him that she found in hard not to sleep with him beside her?

--

She woke up as she did everyday. Guilt and pain were still settled in the pit of her stomach, and she wanted nothing more than to call into work sick. She would surely meet gossip and never ending questions. She'd have to face Mark and the Grey's. None of which she wanted to deal with. But, she had a surgery on a little girl whose aneurysm would surely kill her if they waited any longer. The surgery was going to be risky and Derek and Burke were both scrubbing in. Derek was just in case she needed another neurosurgeon to jump in, and Burke had to monitor her heart defect that surgery hadn't quite been able to repair.

She trudged through her morning routine without thinking about her current situation or the Grey's. She went over her patient's case and the surgery in her head as she drove to and walked towards the hospital. By the time she got to the locker room, she had gone over the surgery twice and started to go over possible ways the situation could go bad and how she could fix it. Alex, Christina, George, and Izzie were changing when she got to her locker. Wordlessly, she opened her locker and dug through it in search for her scrubs.

"Mer?" Alex asked and touched her shoulder.

"Huh? What?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why?" She lied.

"I was just worried. You seemed upset yesterday."

"Yeah… I'll, ah, be fine."

"Okay." He said with an uncertain voice.

She finished changing in silence. "I'll see you later." With that she walked out.


	23. The Truth

She got through the surgery with no help with Derek

She got through the surgery with no help with Derek. The little girl was sent to recovery with a promising chance of a regular life as far as neurology goes. Her heart was still in the limbo, and Burke's outlook was slightly grimmer than hers. After that surgery that lasted a all morning and into the afternoon, she meet with her interns and headed down to the cafeteria. After grabbing some food, she walked down to the basement and settled on one of the extra gurneys. It wasn't long that she was down there that she heard footsteps. Silently groaning, she tried to scrunch back into the shadows so they wouldn't see her. Instead, Alex hopped up and sat beside her. "Want to talk about it?" He asked taking a few of her chips.

"Not really." She answered with a sigh as she allowed her legs to sprawl out in front of her again.

"Then we won't talk about it."

"Thank you."

They sat in silence for a few minutes without a need to say anything. "My intern can't intubate."

"What?"

"She's a good doctor, I guess. But she can't intubate. And it annoys that crap out of my cause she pages me all the time."

She smiled. "My intern can't do a central line. He paged me when I was at home for a central line."

"Yesterday." He chuckled. "My intern paged me to the pit while I was sleeping because an 'unidentifiable piece of matter' was in this kids crap. Turn out to be a Monopoly piece the kid ate the day before."

Meredith laughed. "What did you do?"

"Made him sift through even more shit after gave the kid a laxative because supposedly he ate two of the pieces and one of the small plastic houses."

"Sounds like a reasonable punishment for waking his resident." She said as her pager went off. "I got to go. See you around?"

"Yeah." He nodded and with that she was gone.

--

She finally finished her shift and hadn't seen Alex the rest of the day, and she managed to avoid the Grey's at all costs. She hadn't run into Mark at all that day, and part of her was kind of sad for it. It was dark by the time she walked to her car. She drove home and parked in her driveway. A car way parked on the street in front of her house, but she shrugged it off since the people across the street looked to be having a party and cars were overflowing onto both sides of the street. She got out of the car and walked up the pathway when she finally noticed there was a person sitting on the porch swing. Cautiously, she walked up a stair to try to get a better look at who it was. Relief washed over her when she noticed it was Mark. He didn't notice her until she walked up the last three stairs to the porch. He stood up when he saw her.

"Hey." He said quietly.

"Hey." She returned as she moved to unlock the door.

"I wanted to check on you. I didn't get a chance to see you at work. I, um, heard about your father."

"Yeah, I'm fine." She said playing with the key chain on her set of house keys.

"Meredith, can we talk?"

She looked up at him for a second studying his face. "Mark, I…"

"Please, Meredith."

Sighing, she slowly nodded and opened the door. She stepped into the house and held the door open for him to come in. After shutting the door and stripping off her coat, she walked into the kitchen. He followed in tow.

"Want some coffee?"

"Uh… sure." He shrugged.

She quickly made a small pot of coffee since she couldn't have any. After it was done, she poured him a glass and put in the exact amount of sugar and cream he liked in it then held the glass out for him. He gladly took it and waited for her to get a cup. Instead of moving to make herself some, she turned and walked into the living room again.

"Aren't you going to have some?"

"No, I don't want any."

"My wife doesn't want coffee?" He said almost in disbelief. She just shrugged and sat down on the couch with one foot tucked under her. He sat down next to her on the couch facing her slightly as he set his coffee on the coffee table. Silence hung between them as he searched for the right words. When he couldn't find any, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "I didn't cheat on you."

"You keep saying that, but I saw you. Lauren herself told me you were sleeping around. What do you want me to think?" She said as tears rushed to her eyes.

"I didn't cheat on you, Mer. I would _never_ cheat on you." She stared at him waiting for him to continue. "What happened was…"

_The surgery had been a success or as much of a one that could be expected. The patient would need extensive work after this surgery too. He'd probably even have to go under again as early as a month from now. For now, Mark considered it a success. _

"_Good job in there, Dr. Stewart." Mark said._

"_You know you can call me Lauren. You're wife is a close friend." She said almost in a flirty tone. Regardless of what Meredith saw in her as a friend, he didn't like her much and always stuck with formality. She was too flirty when Meredith want around and half the time Mark thought she would be all over him if his wife and she weren't so close. Silence hung in the air as they scrubbed out. Mark turned to dry his hands when Lauren spoke again. "So is Meredith coming to meet you down here?"_

"_I think I'm going to meet her in the locker room." He answered. "Need me to tell her something."_

"_Yeah."_

"_Which is what?" He asked when she paused. _

"_That she has a hot husband." She said. And before the words even had time to leave her lips she practically jumped on him wrapping her arms around his neck. Her lips crashed against his. Before he got a chance to push her off, the door flew open, and his wife stood there crushed. _


	24. Smiles

She sat there staring at him feeling something between shock, embarrassment, and delight. Mark brushed his hand across her cheek pulling her from her trance. She reached up and put her hand over his leaning into his touch. With her other hand, she swiftly slapped him.

"What was that for?" He asked touching his face.

"You could have told me all of that earlier." She couldn't fight off the little smile that started to form on her lips as he chuckled.

"I love you, Meredith Sloan."

"I love you too." She moved closer to him as he dipped his head and met her lips with his. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her onto his lap. They stayed that way for several moments until she finally pulled back. He rested his forehead against his and smiled lightly. She returned it as she ran her fingers through his hair. "I love you, but you aren't getting off that easy."

He smiled. "I won't expect you to let me off that easy. I'll do anything to prove that I love you."

"I know you do. But…"

"But what?" He pulled back a little to look at her slightly worried.

She sighed and moved out of his lap. Nervously, she took his hand. Now, he was really worried. She took a deep breath. "Mark… I…"

"You can tell me, Sloan."

"I'm pregnant, Mark." She finally said quietly.

At first, he wasn't sure if he heard her right. The doctors said it wasn't possible. It had crushed them when they found out. And now, they were pregnant. It's seemed so unreal.

"Pregnant?"

"I'm about three months along. I found out two weeks ago. I'm nauseous all the time. I smell everything. I might even be gaining weight. And half the time I want a chocolate milkshake even when I'm staring down at someone's brain." She rambled.

A smile broke on his face. "We're pregnant?"

A similar smile appeared on her lips. "We're pregnant." He leaned forward and kissed her soft and sweet.

"A little baby." He smiled. Their lips were only centimeters apart. "A little you."

She smiled and kissed his again. "I love you."

"I love you too." This time, he kissed her with a little more heat and passion behind it.

She pulled back a little. "But you're still not getting off that easy."

"I know, Babe."

--

She woke up the next day with a smile on her face. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she didn't dread waking up to an empty bed and empty house. Even thought she had pushed her husband out of her house at midnight the night before, she couldn't help but smile. She showered, changed, and grabbed her bag before heading off to work. By the time she reached the hospital, her smile still hadn't diminished. She walked towards the locker room without bumping into anyone she knew. The locker room was buzzing, as always, when she walked in. A few people looked, but today it didn't bother her. Because, today, there was hope. Ever since she got to Seattle, all there was sadness. The thought of Mark cheating on her had plagued her. But now, there was hope. She and her husband were rekindling whatever they had briefly lost. They were expecting a baby. There was a great chance that her fairytale ending hadn't ended when Lauren Stewart threw herself at her husband. Sure, there were still hoops that had to be jumped through before their relationship returned to usual. Until then, they would work it out. Just knowing that he loved her and was by her side made her happy enough to ignore people who were still talking about how Mark had carried her away from the hospital the other day.

"Good morning, Mer." Alex greeted as he walked in.

"Morning, Alex." She returned with a smile.

"What's with you?" He asked quietly.

"What?"

"You're smiling."

"What can I say? There might actually be a chance for happiness in my life." She smiled once more before walking out.

He father and mother caught up with her at the nurses' station. A small smile still played her lips.

"You're smiling!" Ellis gasped.

"That I am." She rolled her eyes.

"What brought about this development?" Richard inquired.

"He told me what happened. He didn't cheat on me." She said quietly as she flipped open a chart. "I told him about the baby. We're working this out." She looked up at him.

"I am so happy." Ellis said almost in an out of character bubbly tone.

"Me too." Richard said kissing her temple.

"I love him." She sighed. "We'll figure it out."

"I never doubted that." Ellis told her.

"I better go see my interns." She gave them one last smile before heading off to search for her interns.

She found them walking out of the locker room. "Come on, people. We've got rounds."

The followed her down the hall into a patient's room. Derek was waiting in there. He looked up and smiled at her as they walked in.

"Who's presenting?"

"Martha Thompson, forty-six years old, presented with loss of consciousness after being hit with a softball. During overnight observation, she had a seizure. And it was determined by MRI that there's and increasing amount of blood in her temporal lobe." Dr. Summers recited.

"Best course of action?" Derek asked.

"Surgery to stop the bleeding before there is any damage in speech, hearing, or memory."

"Thank you, Dr. Summers." Meredith said. "You'll be with Dr. Shepherd. If that is alright, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek nodded before Meredith led the rest of her interns out. It wasn't even a second after she stepped out of the door that her name was called. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Susan Grey chasing after the group. And for the first time since she woke up, the smile dropped from her face.


	25. Stay Away

"What can I do for you, Mrs. Grey?" She said with all the professionalism and detachment she could gather.

"Meredith, please there has to be something you can do." Her voice was pleading for hope that Meredith couldn't give her.

"I'm sorry." She replied with sympathy and remorse laced in her voice.

"He's your father! And you refuse to try." Susan accused.

"I'm no longer on your husband's case. So I have nothing to try. Dr. Harrison or Dr. Shepherd can explain your options."

"But…"

"I'm sorry." Meredith said once again before turning and joining her interns where they waited for her. Glancing back at Susan who looked devastated, she sighed and led her interns down the hall.

--

She slipped into the crowded gallery juggling a stack of charts. She knew that it would be crowded since Mark Sloan was still new around the hospital and everyone wanted to see him operate. Alex sat in the front row watching the surgery intently. Just as she walked towards him, a pager went off and the intern beside him stood and hurried out. Smiling, she plopped down beside his and hit his leg to get his attention. He jumped and glanced over.

"Hey." He smiled.

"Hey." She grinned back before looking down into the OR just as her husband moved to the patient's head. "Did they just put the patient under?"

"Yeah."

Mark glanced up at the gallery to see his wife staring back. He smiled up at her even though the mask covered a lot of his face, but she could tell by the way his eyes squinted. He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head a little gesturing she could join him if she wanted. Grinning, she shook her head. He nodded and turned back to the patient.

"What was that about?" Alex whispered.

"Nothing." She giggled. He raised his eyebrow suspiciously but didn't ask.

Halfway through the surgery, Alex was paged away. She worked on her patients' charts for an hour or so before she too was paged. She glanced down to the OR. Her husband worked concentrating on every stitch just as he always did. Sighing, she stood, gathered her things, and hurried out.

--

"Dr. Sloan." Derek greeted as he walked up behind Mark in the line to get food.

"Dr…" He searched for the name. "Shepherd."

"Would you like to come sit with me and the other attendings? I'll introduce you."

Mark shook his head. "Nah, I got someone to sit with." He gaze fell on Meredith who was reading a chart across the patio.

Derek followed his gaze. "Ah, Meredith Grey."

"Know her?"

"Yeah, I guess. But a word of advice, stay away."

He couldn't help but chuckle. "Why?"

"She's completely off limits."

"Why? She married?"

"Not that I know of." Even though he and Meredith were both private people and didn't like to broadcast their problems to the whole world, it still hurt a little that it wasn't common knowledge that she was married. "She's the chief's and Ellis Grey's daughter. But you seem to know them pretty well…"

"Yeah, I've known them for a while."

"So you sure you don't want to sit with us?" He asked as Mark paid for his lunch.

"Sorry, but I'm going to take my chances." He walked off chuckling to himself. Without bothering to ask, he plopped down across from her. "Sloan." He said in a low tone.

She smiled but didn't lift her eyes away from the chart. "Miss me, Sloan."

He chuckled and sat back in the chair. "Of course."

She finally looked up at him and shut the chart. "Good."

"No 'I miss you too."'

"Nope." She giggled.

"I'm hurt."

"I miss you too, Sloan." She rolled her eyes. "You did good in surgery."

"You should have come down and joined me."

"It's too early, Mark." He gave her a sad smile. "I wanted to come see you afterwards, but my pager went off."

"I had an interesting conversation with Shepherd."

"I saw." She giggled. He decided against mention the fact nobody knew that she was married. He had missed their casual conversations and back and forth teasing. Why ruin? "What did you talk about?"

"He wanted to warn me to stay away from you. Supposedly you have pretty powerful parents."

"I do. So, you should be careful around me." She smirked.

"I'll take me chances. Your parents love me."

She rolled her eyes at the thought. Before she could respond, her pager went off. "I got to go." She sighed. "I'll see you later?"

"Definitely." He gave her his infamous smirk as she stood up and threw her trash away.

She had to fight off the urge to kiss him and hurried away instead.

**--**

**Sorry it's been so long since I've updated any of my stories.**


	26. Go Out With Me

She hadn't seen Mark since she hurried out of the lunchroom to answer a page which ended up putting her in surgery for a few hours. But half way into the surgery, the sixty-seven year old patient hemorrhaged and died. Sighing, she tore her mask off and dropped it in the trash as she walked into the scrub room. As she washed her hands, she watched the nurses' sew the dead patient shut and clean up the room so they could take the patient to a different room so the family could say goodbye. She couldn't help but think about her real father who was on the break of death himself, and there was nothing anyone could do. Even though she kept telling herself she didn't care, she couldn't help but feel a little responsible. She was a neurosurgeon after all, and when George came to her for help on the case, she passed it up. But at the same time, Dr. Harrison is just as a competent doctor as she is, so he would have seen anything there was to see. A lot of times, aneurysms go undetected for years. But still, it didn't stop a twinge of pain from attacking the pit of her stomach. Why should she care? He left her when she was four after all! Why should she feel guilty?

"Hey, Sloan." A voice came from behind her. She smiled to herself and pushed thoughts of her father into the back of her head as she turned to face him.

"Hey."

"Where've you been all day?" He asked leaning against the door.

"Surgery." She glanced over her shoulder at the quickly emptying OR. "My patient died though." She sighed heavily and gave him a sad smile.

Pushing off the door, he pulled her into a comforting hug. "You did the best you could."

"I know." She mumbled against his chest.

"Are you okay?" He asked looking down at her. She nodded. "Because you don't look all that okay."

"I'll be fine when everything gets back to normal."

"Only in a matter of time, Babe."

She smiled and gave him a light kiss on the lips. "I better go talk to my patient's family."

He nodded as she started to the door. "Mer?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you go out with me tonight?"

She smiled letting out a brief giggle. "I'd love to."

--

"Hey Dad." Meredith greeted as she walked into her father's office without even bothering to knock.

"Hi Mer." He glanced up from his computer screen as she settled into the couch.

"Richard…" Ellis said as she walked in. "Hey Mer."

"Hey Mom." Meredith replied.

"Here." She handed Richard a chart and sat down next to her daughter. "What are you doing tonight? Do you want to come over for dinner?"

"Can't." A smile broke on Meredith's face. "Mark and I are going out to dinner."

Richard looked up as his wife smiled brightly at their daughter. "That's great, Mer."

"It really is, Meredith. You're moving forward."

Meredith nodded and sighed. "I can't help but feel this is like the honeymoon phase or something and at any moment it could all fall apart. And everything is so fragile right now…"

"You can't be thinking like that, Mer. Or something will happen." Ellis cut her off.

"Yeah." Meredith sighed again. "I just want things to get back to normal."

"Are you going to go back to New York?" Richard asked frightfully. Meredith was his daughter, and Mark was his son in-law. He didn't want them to leave town. But also professionally, the hospital couldn't lose the best Nuero resident and a world renowned plastic surgeon.

It hadn't even occurred to Meredith that Mark might want to go back to New York. After all, he had an amazing career there at the practice she helped him begin and the hospital they had been working at for four years. "I… I don't know." She mumbled pinching her nose. Before anyone could say anything else, her pager went off. "I have to go. I'll see you guys later." With that she hurried out to answer the page.

--

"I was paged." She said to a nurse. The nurse gestured Susan who was standing on the opposite side of the room. Sighing, Meredith nodded. "Thanks." Taking a deep breath, she walked over and folded her arms across her chest. "Mrs. Grey, this has to stop. I cannot be paged away from my work when I'm not working your husband's case."

"May I speak to you for a second in private?" Sighing, Meredith nodded and led her to an empty conference room. Susan searched for the correct words as Meredith shut the door and settled into a chair across from where Susan was pacing. "I know… I know that your father hurt you. I get that, but he's… dying." She fought back some tears and blinked furiously for a few moments. "And he wants you there. He wants to make it right. And I know he can't tell you. And I know that it will never be perfect. But can you live with yourself if you don't go in there and see him before he passes?"

"Mrs. Grey… Susan, I am not my father's child. That man in there is not my father." She said forcefully. "Molly and Lexi are his daughters, not my sisters. I can't be apart of your family, and I don't want to be. Thatcher left me when I was four years old. He might not have been a bad father and husband to you and your daughters, but he left me. I've moved on, and I have forgiven him because he's not 'Daddy' anymore. He's not somebody who can crush me again. He doesn't deserve the right to do that to me anymore. Richard Webber is my father."

"But, Meredith…"

"I'm sorry, Susan. But I can't." She stood up.

"He always wanted to find you." Susan said clinging to the last sliver of hope.

Meredith gave her a half smile. "No he didn't."

"He tried for years."

"I was always right there. He didn't want to see me." Meredith said before walking out.

--

She was exhausted and looking forward to dinner with Mark. He sent her a text message telling her to the lobby at seven, but they hadn't seen each other since they were in the scrub room.

Sighing, she flopped back on the stretcher next to Alex.

"Haven't seen you around too much today." He said.

"Yeah. I've been in and out of surgery."

"Want to go to Joe's tonight?"

For the first time, she realized she hadn't told anyone except for Mark, her parents, and Bailey about her pregnancy. But now, she and Mark were fixing their marriage. And Alex was one of her best friends in Seattle. So why the hell not? "I won't be going out drinking for awhile."

"Why not?"

"It's not good for the baby."

"The baby?" He repeated. "You're pregnant?"

She smiled lightly and nodded as she rubbed her hand over her stomach. "Twelve weeks along."

"Congratulations, Mer."

"Thanks."

"This is a good thing right?"

"It's a very good thing. I was in a car accident a while back, and the doctors thought I wouldn't be able to have children. But now, I'm pregnant."

"So you and Sloan are…"

"Working it out." She nodded in confirmation.

"I'm glad, Mer." He told her honestly.

"Me too. Thank you, Alex. For everything. You've been really, really great."

"What are friends for?"

_**--**_

_**I am soooo sorry that it's been taking soo long to get a new chapter up on any of my stories. I have been crazy busy and experiencing major writer's block. But I'm going to try to make some headway with my stories today.**_


	27. Anything You Want

They sat across from each other at the small table in the slightly fancy restaurant talking about work and the baby as they carried out their usual back and forth playful banter. The conversation was light and full of little giggles and McSteamy smiles that drove one another crazy. It was just like old times before everything fell apart. And for that evening it felt like nothing was weighing on their shoulders. She smiled at him as she settled back in her chair with her hands draped protectively over her stomach. He returned the smile, but neither said anything. After awhile, it seems as if, there are no words that needed to be said. The content feeling of just being in each other's company was enough to put a smile on your face.

"Ready to go, Sloan? I want to make one more stop before the night is over."

"Ready when you are."

He waved down the waitress and handed her a credit card without bothering to look at the bill. She soon returned with his card and receipt to be sign. He signed and stood up looking at his wife expectantly. She pushed out her chair and made her way out with him in tow. Their car was parked down the street a ways. So they walked in a comfortable silence. After a block, he felt her hand slip into his and a warm feeling ran up his arm. Her tiny hand fit perfectly within his just as it had since they began dating. It was so perfect as they laced their fingers together.

"Mark?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we doing at the docks?"

"Sloan, you've been married to me for how long? How can you still not realize how important ferries are?"

She rolled her eyes remembering all the ferry rides they took over the years. Their first kiss was on a ferry all those years ago back in New York. She was so engrossed in the memory, she didn't notice him get out, cross the front of the car, and open her door. When he extended his hand, she snapped out of the trace and looked over. Smiling, she took the hand and got out of the car. He intertwined their fingers as they walked up the docking ramp. They were instantly greeted by and man with a heavy accent and too much cologne that could be smelled over the salty air that surrounded them and made Meredith's stomach twist a little. Mark quickly led her to the far section of the boat noticing the lack of people that populated the area. He sat down in a long lounge deck chair. She sat down in front of him laying back into his chest as she always did when they rode on the ferries. He wrapped his arms around her with his hands resting on his stomach.

"I love you, Sloan." He whispered into her ear causing her to smile.

"I love you too."

They sat in silence for a long while engrossed in their own thoughts. After a minute of contemplating, she decided she might as well ask. "Are we going back to New York?"

"Huh?" He asked not hearing the question the first time.

"Are we going back to New York?"  
He tightened his grip around her small frame trying to decide what to do. She adjusted herself a little in his arms and glanced up at him. "Do you want to?"

"I don't know." She admitted. "I mean, New York is New York. We have our lives there. But… I like it here. Mom and Dad are here and… I don't know. The past in New York, and I want to look towards the future."

"We'll do whatever you want." He told her. She looked up at him and smiled. "I love you, Babe. We'll do whatever makes you happy."

"I love you too." She leaned up and planted a kiss on his lips.

After a few moments, she stood and walked to the railing. He followed and wrapped his arms around her. She instantly relaxed in his warmth as a content smile appeared on her lips. They stayed that way until they got back to the dock.

--

He pulled the car to a stop in front of her house. Before she could move towards the door, he got out and crossed to the other side of the car. Opening the door, he extended his hand and helped her out. She gave him a soft peck on the cheek and led him towards the door.

"I guess it's too early to spend the night?" He said hopefully.

Smiling sadly, she nodded. "We need to take it slow."

"I understand, Sloan." He lifted her chin using his index finger and gave her an encouraging smile before planting a kiss on her lips. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she deepened the kiss. After a few moments, they separated panting breathlessly. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." She watched as he walked down the steps and to his car. With a final wave, he got in the car and disappeared down the street.

--

She awoke the next morning with a smile on her face. After getting ready for work, she got in the car and headed towards the hospital. When she pulled into the parking lot, she saw him standing by his car with a brown paper bag and two coffees in his hand. She moved the car into the open spot beside him and got out.

"Waiting for someone?" She asked playfully.

"Just you." He moved to kiss her, but stopped when he realized they hadn't defined their "at work rules."

"I'm flattered." She wanted to kiss him, but knew for now it was for the best if the hospital didn't know of their marriage until they talked about it. "What's in the bag?"

"Just your favorite breakfast pastry ever."

"You got me a Cheese Danish." She said with a smile.

"That I did. A Cheese Danish and a peppermint mocha coffee." He held out the bag and coffee.

She couldn't help smiling as she looked into the bag. "Thank you."

"Anything for you."


	28. Last Chance

Work had been exceptionally tiring for her. She and Alex had only been able to steal ten minutes away from work for lunch. And she hadn't had the chance to see her husband once after that morning. There had been a massive crash out on the freeway and most of the patients had been diverted to Seattle Grace. It hadn't been all that bad until she was forced to do two surgeries in a row, and her ankles felt like they were about to crumble from standing on them for so long. Christina had offered to take a few cases, but Meredith declined because since maternity leave would put her far enough behind. So she didn't need to slack off now. She had only stopped for a few moments here and there to speak to her mother or father before rushing off to another patient.

Now, an hour after she was supposed to get off, she walked into the locker dragging her tired feet along the way. Alex already lied out on one of the benches tiredly waiting for the magically numbers to appear on the clock signifying he could go home. She plopped down on the bench beside him with a heavy sigh. He tilted his head to look at her. "Are you okay?"

"Tired." She said without really looking at him. Letting a groan escape from her lips, she leaned forward resting her elbows against her knees and her head in her hands. "Just really tired."

"Join the club." He said rolling onto his stomach so he'd have a better view of her. She leaned forward and opened her locker. "Are you getting out of here?"

"I was supposed to be out of here an hour ago. I just finished up the last of my patients for the day. Two were admitted and are under intern care meaning I'll be getting phone calls all through the night. Four were discharged. And three died."

He nodded. "I still have ten minutes. Who the hell knew ten minutes could last so long?"

"Sorry." She giggled and stood. Her legs were weak beneath her, but she managed to stay standing. He rolled on his back as she began changing. "Did you at least get a surgery or two?"

"Yeah. It wasn't all that bad. I'm just… tired."

"I hear you. Now I have to go and try to find my husband."

"Good luck. All the attendings have been all over the place today. It's been hard to track any of them down."

"Thanks." She shut her locker and threw her bag over her shoulder. "See you tomorrow, Alex."

"Bye."

--

She hadn't been able to find her husband as Alex suspected. She walked down the hall towards the doctor's lounge. Stepping deeper into the room, she heard the door open behind her. Turning, she was surprised to see Susan standing there. Her eyes were glossy swollen, and her clothes were wrinkled as if they had just been taken out of a duffle bag.

"Mrs. Grey, you can't be in here." She glanced around once more before walking out past Susan, who followed close behind.

"Sorry." She mumbled. "I wanted to talk to you and I saw you go in there, so I just thought…" Her voice drifted off leaving silence between the pair for a long time. "We decided we're going to pull the plug. Thatch wouldn't want to live like this, and the girls have been through a lot with all this. It's just his time…"

"I'm sorry for your lost."

"I just thought you might want to be there."

"I'm sorry, but I don't. He wouldn't… want me there."

"Meredith, do you really want to go through life knowing you didn't take this opportunity to tell your father you forgive him and tell him goodbye."

"You don't understand." She said a little harsher than she had meant to before sighing. "Sorry… I just… I don't feel anything when I look at him. I don't have anything to forgive him for because I don't feel like he wants on. He's lived most of my life knowing that I was out there somewhere. If he felt guilt, he would have tried to find me. And if he felt guilt, then I would feel like I have to forgive him."

"But… this is your last chance."

"I'm sorry." With that she walked off to find her husband leaving Susan dumbfounded.

--

She didn't want to be there. She didn't feel like she needed to be there. She hadn't found Mark, but she was capable of taking a cab home. But she stood still, staring in watching their moves. They all cried hot tears clutching to his lifeless hands. They had turned off the machines, and the room had filled with the eerie silence that signified death. It would take many minutes before his heart and lungs slowed down to a stop. It would be the longest minutes of those three women's lives. They will stand their hoping, willing him to wake up in one final fleeting sliver of hope. She knew he wouldn't. The medicine told her so. Brain dead meant brain dead and there was no coming back from it. If they hadn't pulled the plug, he could have lived for years, bound to the back by the ventilator that kept him breathing and heart beating, until some other disease came along and put him out of his misery. The family wouldn't move on, because naturally they held onto false hope. If the heart was beating, they were still alive, right? They could come out of it? But he was brain dead, forced by nature to allow a breathing machine to keep them alive while doctors and nurses bathed him, cared for him, and placed tubes in his body to feed him. He was gone.

Susan and her daughters didn't know that. They didn't want to. But she did, yet she watched waiting for the final rise to be made on the machine before it all became one flat line. She watched his family crumble in tears. She didn't want to join them even as a supportive outsider. She just wanted the closure.

"What are you doing up here?" She heard from behind her and felt him kiss her cheek. She didn't move her body to look at him even as he wrapped his arms around her and set his head on her shoulder.

"They pulled the plug." She whispered.

"Oh…" He was silent for a moment. "Do you want to go in? I'll go with you."

"I just want to go home." She whispered.

Giving her a soft smile, he wrapped one arm around her back and led her away. Sending one fleeting glance into the room, she caught a glimpse of Susan collapsing in her daughters' arms. Turning away, she rested her head against his shoulder and walked beside him to the elevator.

"I've had one hell of a day." She said quietly.


	29. Closed Chapter

Four months passed since Thatcher Grey died. Meredith didn't attend the funeral nor did she contact his other family. It was a chapter of her life she had finally closed and never wanted to open up again. Life moved on virtually unchanged. Sure there was some part of her that was disappointed that Thatcher had never and would never be able to try to get in her life once again. But more of her really believed Thatcher Grey had been dead to her for years before his death.

She sat on the couch waiting for her husband to return from work. Alex was in the kitchen making a sandwich since he had just come over from work. Since she hit her third trimester, Richard made her cut back her hours. She worked half days often and had more days off than most of her colleagues. In the beginning, she put up a fight but eventually gave in. It was nice to be able to relax some, but she still missed work. Besides there was never anything on daytime TV. Her friends came over and visited her on their days off, and Mark came home for his lunch breaks, but it wasn't the same as being there at the hospital with them.

The door bell rang. Groaning, she paused the movie and looked towards the kitchen. "Alex!"

"I got it." He rolled his eyes and walked to the door. She leaned to see who it was but when she couldn't quite see around Alex she hit play on the remote and ignored the door completely. She heard him say something then return to the living room.

"Who is it?" She asked putting a few pieces of popcorn in her mouth.

"Mrs. Grey."

She froze and looked at him. "Tell her I'm not here." She whispered.

"She knows you are." He whispered back with a little amusement in his voice.

"Tell her I'm sleeping."

Sighing, he nodded and returned to the door. She listened carefully as he lied but couldn't hear Susan's reply. After a second, the door shut and Alex returned. Without a word, he walked to the kitchen, got his sandwich, and sat down beside her on the couch.

"Well?" Meredith asked impatiently.

"She said okay." He shrugged. Sighing a sigh of relief, she smiled at him. "And she'd be back later."

Her head whipped around as she slapped his arm. "Alex! Couldn't you have told her I was like in Europe or something and never would return?"

"Sorry." He chuckled. She glared at him for a few more minutes before sighing heavily.

--

Mark walked into the house later than he expected to. Carrying pizza in one hand and chocolate in the other, he quietly walked into the living room. Meredith sat on the couch next to Alex apparently torturing him with chick flicks.

"I'm glad I'm not Alex right now." He chuckled. Both Meredith and Alex looked over at him.

"Hey, Babe." Meredith said as he walked over. He leaned down and kissed Meredith quickly. "Got dinner?" He nodded and went into the kitchen. Alex stood up to make a quick escape, but Meredith stopped him. He groaned loudly causing Meredith to laugh.

"You want any, Alex?" Mark yelled.

"No, I have to go." He glanced over at Meredith, who didn't let go of his arm.

"Come on, Alex. You know you like this movie."

"Yeah right." He scoffed and pulled his arm away. "See you tomorrow." He called before grabbing his coat and heading for the door.

"Bye." Meredith sighed and paused the movie. Mark came back into the room carrying two plates with pizza on it one with M&Ms on top. "Yum." She smiled at him as he sat down. She quickly snatched her plate away practically drooling over it.

Mark chuckled kissing her temple draping on arm over her shoulders. She snuggled in closer to him as she took the first bite of her pizza.

"How was your day?" She asked after a few minutes.

"Boring without you." She smiled brightly at him but said nothing. "And yours?"

She was quiet for a few minutes, which was odd. Usually on her days off, she responded with an 'ugh' or at least a 'boring.' Instead she looked down at her pizza slowly chewing what was in her mouth.

"You'll never guess who stopped by." She said after swallowing what was in her mouth.

He lifted an eyebrow. It wasn't often that people stopped other than their friends. Being doctors, they didn't have time to socialize outside work. And their friends coming over was hardly breaking news.

"Who?" He asked.

"Susan Grey."

"Thatcher's wife?" She nodded. "Why?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "Alex answered the door and told her that I was sleeping. But he said that she said she'd come back later. I don't want to deal with her."

"Don't stress over this, Babe. It isn't good for the baby." He said. She took a deep breath as she nodded and rubbed circles on her stomach.

"I never wanted to deal with him… or his family again. I thought this would finally end it for me. I could stop having daddy problems and abandonment issues." She said quietly.

"You hardly have any problems. You're perfect."

Giving him a fleeting smile, she sighed. "I just don't want to remember that he could start a new life without a second thought about what he was leaving behind." He hugged her closer as she relaxed into his chest. "I missed you today."

"I missed you too."


End file.
